Sound bites and pickup lines

After watching a portion of the presidential debate last week and reading much of the commentary surrounding it, I have had an epiphany. Running for president isn't much different than trying to pick up a girl (or a guy, depending on your preference) in junior high. Try to stay with me on this one.\nEach candidate is trying to make the best possible impression he can to be chosen over the other. It's as if Bush and Kerry are fighting over a woman. Except we, the citizens of the United States, are the woman and both candidates are married. Weird. Anyway, you understand what I'm getting at.\nDon't believe me? One CNN article stated that "most of those interviewed said Kerry did a better job than Bush (in the debate)." Fine. But it went on to say that "by narrow margins Bush came out better on believability, likeability and toughness." \nLet me rephrase this into something we can all relate to. After a long night, that special girl turns to you and says, "You're a nice guy, but I just want to be friends."\nAt that point, it doesn't really matter what you say. You're just off to the side while the other guy gets all the action.\nStill don't buy the metaphor? How about this. What do you think a vice president is? He's the best friend doing all the behind-the-scenes stuff. You know, talking to the girl's best friend or passing notes in class (I can totally picture Cheney delivering one of those junior high love notes with the little hearts all over it.) "Will you vote for me? Circle one: yes, no, maybe."\nHave you seen those swift boat veteran ads attacking Kerry? You know what those are? Those are Bush's posse gossiping. It's like standing by the swings and telling kids, "Johnny lied about his summer vacation ... uh huh, I was there, and all he did was get a sunburn."\nAlso, the candidates' wives are a little bit like ex-girlfriends. At first we're a little interested in hearing what they have to say about the guy (think, "So, you dated him ... what's he like?"). However, in the end, they don't really have much effect on our decision.\nIn addition, just like dating, the clothes are very crucial. Did you see what Bush and Kerry were wearing during the debate? They each sported a very nice suit with one major difference between the two of them; their ties. Do you think they called each other to make sure that they didn't both wear a blue or red tie? I think they did.\nAnd what would have happened if they both showed up in a blue tie? I mean, could Bush quickly draft a presidential decree making it illegal for anyone named John Kerry to wear a blue tie? I know that's what I would have done if I were Bush.\nBut clearly I am not Bush. Nor am I Kerry. I am just a simple peon of a college student. And that's what makes this metaphor so great. Finally, I can really connect with the candidates. Next time one of them stumbles over a speech, I won't roll my eyes of scoff at them. I understand the pressure they're under. I've been there myself. That's why, from here on out, I'm holding my breath to see which one gets the girl.