Ruining my life, anytime I want

On-Demand television will ruin my life.\nFor those of you who are unfamiliar with On-Demand TV, it is a service provided by digital cable that allows one to watch TV shows and movies anytime one wants. Not only that, but it can be paused, rewound and so forth. Typically, the On-Demand service is attached to premium channels' packages, in my case HBO and Starz.\nYes, folks, my life has been a progressive social downward spiral since the arrival of On-Demand in my house. I don't need friends; I have my "Entourage" available whenever I want. Why deal with people I don't like when I can watch Tony Soprano eliminate his enemies at my command? I don't need a girlfriend; I have "Real Sex" and "G-String Divas" 24 hours a day. And since they work like a movie I can fast forward to the parts I actually want to see. No more changing the channel during penis puppets and missing the beginning of Stripper Rodeo. What's the point of school when at a touch of a button I can watch documentaries and children's educational programming? Do I watch them? Of course not. I have "Real Sex" and "G-String Divas" 24 hours a day.\nThe fact is not that normal television hasn't become boring to me, it's just an inconvenience. Some of my favorite shows are still on regular cable ("Scrubs," "Arrested Development," almost all of "Adult Swim," to name a few) but being tied down to a viewing time really tends to stifle my laziness. When I couldn't get back in time to watch an episode of my new favorite show "Entourage," I wasn't upset because I knew in a matter of hours it would be available for me to watch again and again and again and, well, you get the point.\nI used to rent movies all the time; now there is no need. Typically, there is a wide enough selection to satisfy my needs, even if it does mean watching "Waiting for Guffman" for the third time this week. If I really want a new movie I can use PPV and convince (i.e. trick) my roommate into splitting the charge. \nHowever, like all great addictions, this tends to greatly affect my personality. I need to watch. And since there were so many episodes right there at a touch of a button, I do. My life isn't this interesting. It almost becomes like television life is my life. "Entourage" has all but convinced me that I need to find a friend to mooch off of in Los Angeles. See, I am a realist. I'm nowhere near attractive enough for people to mooch off of me. (Notably if you plan on being famous and want a yes-man to mooch off of you, look me up). I would move to New Jersey an attempt to start a crime syndicate, but something about being a pale Irishman from the Midwest doesn't scream "gangster," no matter how much I try.\nLife is just more interesting in the reality that is TV and without having to wait to watch, instant gratification takes the fantasy to a whole new level. Sitting there, watching, knowing that the next episode of "Six Feet Under" might reveal who killed Nate's ex-wife is just too engrossing to venture into the outside world. This is why their "life" gets nominated for Emmys, and I'm stuck with a certificate I printed out on my computer that proclaims: "Paul Straw: First Place for Awesomeness." The certificate keeps my life from becoming sad.\nUnfortunately, with all highs come bottoming-out lows. On-Demand's catch is that, typically, programming only lasts for a month or a month after the last episode in a season. This causes a cold turkey effect. "Entourage" goes away this Sunday, and the girls from "Sex and the City" just aren't as fun, for me at least. Also, as we all know, not all movies are created equal, and for every "X2" there is a "League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" taking up space.\nI don't mean to be a shill for On-Demand or any premium channel for that matter, but this is just another chink in broadcast television's armor. On-Demand allows people to hear buzz about a show and then watch when convenient. Imagine how many more people would see "Arrested Development" if they could watch it any time they want. If broadcast TV doesn't want to drop the ball yet again they might want to look into this. Imagine being able to watch "The Simpsons" anytime one wants or late at night being able to settle the bet of whether 50 midgets or an elephant can pull a jet plane faster. The possibilities are endless. \nI would write to the broadcast headquarters and tell them this is a good idea but 1) I'm lazy, 2) I have several hours of TV to watch ("The Wire" was just made available) and 3) My printer's busy making certificates for myself. Seriously, they make my life less pathetic.