Fear and loathing your kids

Dr. Phil came down from his mountain and brought forth two tablets of laws for the world to obey: the first, inscribed "Thy Ultimate Weight Loss Solution;" the second, "Thy Family First." The former commanded Americans to avoid eating as a means to solve problems, and the latter proclaimed that a "phenomenal family" depended upon family dinners. \nDr. Phil hath spoken, in spite of ye olde hypocrisy. \nLast Wednesday, CBS aired "A Dr. Phil Prime-time Special: Family First," in which he made some house calls to parents with maniacal children and taught them the value of supper time. \nWhen the Doc dropped in on Stacy and Brian, they hungered for professional intervention for their son. \n"I'm afraid of my son," said Stacy. "We never know what he's going to do. Eric has a fascination with fire. When Eric has a bowel movement, he wipes it on the walls." \nEric is not the toddler struggling with potty training. He's 9 years old. \nTo this, Dr. Phil replied, "There are 14 characteristics of a serial killer. Your son has nine of the 14. Jeffrey Dahmer had seven." \nAccording to the Doc, Eric's habit of beating his sisters until they bleed, setting fires in the house, mutilating animals, exposing his genitalia and playing with his own feces is just part of the killer criteria. Despite Dr. Phil's top-14 list, he offers less than a 12-step program prescription. \n"This is not a behavior problem with a child," said Dr. Phil. "This is a manifestation of a family that's out of control -- you have to put family first." \nWhat does Dr. Phil insist is lacking in all of his "Family First" guest families? \n"We're living in the laser lane, and we're eating food on the run, and we're doing it for convenience," explained Dr. Phil. "It's costing us a number of things -- we're giving up an important tradition and ritual of having a family meal." \nMaybe all lil' Jeffy Dahmer needed was a second helping of mac and cheese in his childhood. \nDr. Phil has made Stacy, Brian and Eric examples of what could happen if families don't heed his commandment. Now that all of America suddenly fears that a baby's rattle is the gateway weapon for an M-16, what are the ramifications of Dr. Phil using this family's troubles to plug his book? \nWithin the hour of the prime-time report, the Joneses, who live next door to Stacy and Brian, have already phoned the PTA, Eric's teacher has skipped town and Eric's grandparents have returned his Swiss Army knife Christmas present to the trading post. By labeling Eric on national television as a potential homicidal maniac, how could Eric have a normal social life now? CBS just showed him cleaning his own poop stains off the carpet. \nIt's ethically irresponsible to portray this young, albeit, deranged, boy as a criminal before he has committed a crime; it's almost a case of entrapment. If Eric didn't have a motive to kill someone before, he will now. \n"You have desperately scratched and clawed to get diagnoses from people," Dr. Phil told Stacy, "in hopes that if we'll label this and give it a pill, it will get better, but you haven't found that."\nDr. Phil denies Eric has behavioral problems and suggests all this little tyke needs is some quality family time. Isn't that a bit of an oversimplification? Perhaps Eric does need more attention, but probably in conjunction with a panel of psychiatrists and industrial strength prescription drugs. \nWhat kind of a psychologist blames the parents for a child's mental illness? \nThe kind who builds an enterprise on shoveling out ultimatums to shovel in millions of paranoid American dollars.\nSave the $26 on "Family First" and take the little serial killers out to Waffle House.