Time to lighten up

It's high time I confessed my sins and endeavored to right the wrongs I have committed.\nFirst, I'd like to apologize for the many glaring errors -- both factual and grammatical -- of which I have been guilty. Neither foreign leaders nor object-case pronouns have been spared the wrath of my ubiquitous thoughtlessness.\nSecond, I regret the many faulty parallels I have set up and oversimplifications I have perpetrated in the name of fitting my views on national and international issues into 600 words. A date auction is probably not the best segue into a discussion of race issues, and no factoid about the sex lives of penguins is likely to make or break any gay marriage amendment.\nThird, I know not everyone likes or cares for the preachy attitude I tend to adopt. I'll let you in on a little secret -- often, while writing, I become possessed by the spirit of a curmudgeonly old man who is obsessed with how "them young folks ain't right." It's all I can do to make him use real words rather than misspelled colloquialisms -- I long gave up trying to give him a more positive spin on things.\nTo be perfectly honest, I enjoy the old man's surliness, and you must admit, holier-than-thou sentiments can make for a far more interesting read. If you doubt this assertion, I suggest you compare the writings of Jonathan Edwards to those of Al Gore.\nBut is that what really matters? Having entertaining rhetoric, crafting a "more interesting read?"\nYes.\nHere's where I really must spill the beans, blow the whistle or whatever other idiom you wish to insert. I don't really care. Frankly, I am probably one of the most nihilistic individuals ever to write an opinion column. Oh sure, The New York Times on the Internet is my home page, but I rarely do more than skim the headlines on my way out the door in the morning. When I do have the time to read an article or two, it is more often than not a film or TV review from the Arts and Entertainment section.\nLate last semester, my friend and Indiana Daily Student assistant opinion desk editor Asma Khalid, knowing I was a writer, suggested I apply for a position as a columnist. I did so thinking it would turn out to be a good way to pick up chicks. My assumption that columnists had a reputation for sexual prowess proved to be mistaken.\nBut I had a fun time of it, nonetheless, and hope some of you were entertained. If you laughed or agreed with anything I said, or if you threw the paper down in disgust and wrote angry letters to the editor -- either way, at least you felt something, right? At least you thought about something, had to defend a belief or consider changing it. That's all any opinion writer -- no matter how self-absorbed -- can really hope to do.\nAs I wrap up this last column before frantically studying for my German final, I want to give you, the reader, just one piece of parting advice: don't take things too seriously. Whether it be war, poverty, disease or final exams, don't take anything too seriously. The world is an extremely amusing place, and in spite of its problems, it has the power to keep marching on. If you'll allow me a moment of flaccid optimism, I believe hard work and a little compassion, regardless of how diluted it is in self-absorption, can make things better.\nMost of all, don't take too seriously the words of an opinion columnist. Many don't take themselves seriously, and many others serve their own ego as much as the issue they write about. I myself have tried to do a little of both.