Writing about music …

So it was spring break on Carnival Cruise Lines' "Fun Ship" Inspiration (yes, "Fun Ship" … they don't mess around) and we're drinking and eating caviar and escargot and duck and all that other stuff you only try when you're on a cruise because you've already paid for all of the food … and then (for some reason) I say it:\n"Fleetwood Mac sucks."\nOh, the humanity. My friend Justin erupts, I erupt and a booze-fueled argument about music ensues at the eight-person dinner table, at which Justin and I are conveniently positioned at the two farthest points from each other to maximize the screaming quotient. Not to mention we are polishing off bottles of wine after another day filled with rum, pools and drinks served in wooden monkeys.\nIn the following half-hour we tussle over the origins of punk, the 60s, Weezer, albums versus songs, the "weak portion" of "Revolver," U2, Radiohead, James Taylor, songwriting, JFK blown away and all that other tripe that dorks argue about when they get blitzed in Costa Maya and arrive at a semi-formal dinner only to be antagonized into a fight about the Eagles.\nNow I could argue my case, slam his case and gear myself up for a slew of letters in response to both sides, but I won't. What I realized by the end of the whole fiasco is neither of us proved anything other than we were drunk and needed to just sit and eat our chateaubriand and dill-glazed salmon and have a good time, just like the other six people who had to endure our cockfight.\nJustin had his points, and I had mine. There was a point where I called him a poser, not out of spite, but just out of the sheer of joy of fighting. But he's not a poser, he knows his shit and so do I and so do you. We could all lock ourselves in a room with three cases of wine, a stereo and all of our record collections in an effort to fight into some conclusions, but what would be the point?\nFor as much attention as music criticism gets, it's all just a big game of grab-ass. Opinions are rarely swayed, theories and ideas are rarely revolutionary and nothing really gets anywhere. Sure, a review might get me to listen to a record, but if the music sucks, no review containing the words "incendiary guitar solo" is going to convince me otherwise. And 30 dudes trashing a record I love won't get me to walk away from it (trust me on this one … I like Oasis).\nThe Smashing Pumpkins' "1979" makes me feel like I'm 16 in the back of a car breaking curfew, Pulp's "Common People" is a perfect song, David Bowie's "Heroes" could be covered by a duck and still sound awesome, everyone should see the White Stripes live, U2 really is the best band in the world, and no frenzied boozehound fight can tell me otherwise.\nIt's time to move onto some other fights I can win. Maybe talk some smack about "The Good Earth" or convince my friends who think "Seinfeld" is crap they are totally wrong or find someone who thinks "Amélie" is a bad movie and hit them.\nBut I'm never having an argument about music again.\nOr maybe I will.