From DC to D.C.

According to an article published this weekend by Reuters, with yet seven months to go before anyone does any voting, Americans are already being turned off by the negative tone of the 2004 presidential campaign. Journalist John Whitesides reports the effect is bipartisan. The Democratic consultants, Democracy Corps, report a 10 percent increase in negative assessments of John Kerry, while polls from Ipsos, Fox News and Newsweek all show declines in support for George Bush (Reuters, March 28).\nThis result is disappointing both for the American people and American democracy. Clearly it is time for a new candidate to enter the fray. It is a job for someone we can trust. A job for someone of great courage and patriotism. Someone who can leap tall buildings in a single bound.\nIt is a job for Superman.\nWait! I know what you're thinking. Yes, I'm aware of the fact the Man of Steel is entirely fictional. I just don't see why that should prevent him from running for president of the United States. \nI'm sure you have concerns, so I've attempted to address them in the familiar FAQ format.\nQ: How would he determine his position on complex political issues?\nA: Superman has been around since 1938. According to the unnervingly thorough Superman fan site, www.superman homepage.com, Action Comics (in which he made his debut) is up to issue number 809 as of this column's publication. And that's just one series in which Supes is featured. Given this tremendous amount of material, his political positions could be estimated using advanced statistical techniques and textual analysis. All it would take is the comics, a computer, a thousand gallons of Mountain Dew and a geek of truly epic proportions. They're probably already working on it at Purdue. \nQ: Given that Superman does not actually exist, how could he make decisions over national policy?\nA: Presumably, the same way real presidents do -- through a complex series of negotiations and bickering among career bureaucrats, campaign advisors, speech writers, astrologers, fishing buddies and others. Before assuming office, they could be allocated votes based on experience, party support, breath-holding, swimsuit competition, whatever. Better yet, Superman's position could be determined by weekly public opinion polls. It worked so well for the last administration.\nQ: How would he interact with people?\nA: For most of us, the president is pretty much just a head on the pixel-projecting idol in our living room. We can do that with CGI. Want a photo with the president? We can do that with PhotoShop. Want to shake his hand? We'd just install virtual reality booths at those $1,000 a plate fundraising dinners. It would cost $100 for five minutes, but it would be worth it. When you pay the fee, you team up with Superman to blast mutants in a futuristic labyrinth. With a real president, all you get is the hand.\nQ: What would he bring to the office?\nA: He has experience wrestling with dinosaurs, giant robots and sea monsters, so he'd be great at congressional hearings. Not being alive per se, he'd be assassination-proof. Drawing on his Justice League buddies, he could have a terrific cabinet (Batman may not be as intimidating as John Ashcroft, but he has a wicked utility belt). With NASA's help, he could rotate the earth backward to undo policy failures. And best of all, his weaknesses -- kryptonite, red suns -- don't involve interns.\nWhen all is said and done, there is only one major barrier to Superman's success. Being from Krypton makes him a non-native-born U.S. citizen. Does he have the power to get a constitutional amendment passed? Tune in next time ...