Free Howard

And so it seems, the end of an era has come upon us. Howard Stern will soon be yanked off the air because of the FCC's fines against Clear Channel Communications, a result of the recent crackdown on "indecent material" that is permeating American broadcasting.\nNow good people, where will we go to see a fat man juggle bowling balls as he eats a three-foot hoagie? Where will we go to see a dwarf make out with an up-and-coming porn star (pun acknowledged, yet not intended)? I ask you, where will we go to see Anna Nicole Smith receive oral sex from a Queens' plumber named Bob?\nNowhere.\nThe FCC is going through the motions of its own Patriot Act, overreacting to the point of absurdity. How ironic is it that the FCC is campaigning to eliminate indecency while still mulling over the idea of further deregulating media to the point where we're all owned by Clear Channel and Comcast, a move that would benefit only those with the power to do so?\nHow's that for indecency?\nStern is aggressively fighting back, using his final days to attack the FCC and the religious right, fueling the fire of his demise by calling his girlfriend and describing their sex life in detail. I'm not too much of a Stern fan, for I was raised on Bob & Tom (as any good child who grows up in Indianapolis should be), but I respect him, occasionally I catch his show late at night on E! And while I'm not really a fan, I have to defend him. Stern isn't one to rally a political agenda or pick a fight for a cause; rather, he is the option on the dial for those apathetic listeners who just don't give a damn.\nCongress can have all its hearings and subcommittees about indecent programming while the FCC hands out fines like red cups at a kegger, but they'll never stop apathetic Americans' desire for a voice. Some people don't want Rush Limbaugh or Garrison Keeler. They don't want "Crossfire" or "Meet the Press." Some people just want blow job jokes and a guy who stutters when he reads the news.\nWhen "Married…With Children" was blasted for its raunchy humor, Fox's response was "change the channel," but it seems changing the channel isn't enough any more. Ever since Justin Timberlake unleashed the frothing-mouthed beast known as a right breast upon our virgin eyes, we've had to deal with the insulting barrage of commentary after commentary about society's downward spiral into a moral sewer, each one demanding we "Please think about the children!"\nI say screw the children. When I was a kid, I watched Al Bundy act like a jackass on TV. I was smart enough to know he was a doofus, but I still laughed and had myself a good time. So before we all get our panties in a twist, how about we give the children some more credit and stop treating them like kittens in a shark tank.\nThis whole mess of controversy makes me feel as if we're all being treated like idiots. The only appropriate way I could address all of this would be to draw Pat Robertson defecating in the mouth of a soccer mom ... but alas, I can't.\nI consider myself a man who enjoys the finer things in life. I like to pretend I know a bit about wine, I've driven long distances to see a good film and I've imported albums from foreign countries. I'm willing to spend the extra money for an excellent meal, for I appreciate the subtleties in the culinary arts.\nBut sometimes I like watching midget porn stars answer questions from a swarmy guy named Howard.\nAnd damnit, they can't take that away from me.