I want to go to Harvard

Dear Harvard,\nI want to go to your school. I am 22 years old and I'm about to graduate from IU with a degree in communication and culture with a minor in music. I don't play an instrument, yet I still have a degree from one of the finest musical institutions in the world.\nIf there's anything that "PCU" taught me, it's that the beauty of college these days is that "you can major in Game Boy if you know how to bullshit."\nWhich brings me to my next point -- I want to go to your school because I've spent four years at a state school and I have learned a lot. Yet, I haven't felt personally challenged. The downside of going to a state school is that there are too many huge classes with a focus on churning out students without personal attention. \nI'm longing for more intellectual drive on a personal level and I think you can provide that for me. You are one of the world's premiere educational institutions and I'd hope that is because of your dedication to giving your talented students personal attention in order to stimulate their great minds.\nBut before we go any further, I have to get some formalities out of the way.\nMy GPA is a 3.41, which is probably low in your eyes, what with you rejecting applications from students who are valedictorians with perfect scores on their SAT's and are greatly involved in extra-curricular activities.\nI'm involved with "All Sorts of Trouble for the Boy in the Bubble," my school's premiere sketch comedy group where I help write and perform a full-length show every two weeks. I write an opinion column for my school paper, and I'm pretty good at it for someone who has no experience in journalism.\nAside from that, I throw a wicked party. Many don't realize how rare of a talent that is. I hope to maybe one day make that my profession because it is a really satisfying feeling making people happy by playing the right music and serving the right drinks on a Friday night.\nIt may seem like a little thing, but it's the little things that make the big things bigger.\nYou may be asking, "Why is this letter worded so simply?"\nBecause I don't want to try to impress you. That's what everyone does. I don't want to cloud what I want with academic bullshit. I could spout off everything I've ever learned about semiotics, social conflict theory, the formal and functional views of communication, MTV as a subculture and the social construction of ideology, but that would be boring.\nSo why should you accept me to your school?\nBecause I'm a smart guy … but I can be so much more.\nI have to ask: does anyone fail from your school? How could they? They go to Harvard. Who would squander their shot at an education from Harvard?\nIf a gold miner knows where to look for gold, he'll always be rich. But if an alchemist knows how to make gold, he will always be powerful.\nYou are the best school in the nation? Prove it. Become the alchemist. Make me your experiment.\nSure, you could pick some prodigy from England over me, but he's expecting to make it. He's been told that all his life. Me? I'm just a kid from the middle. But I'm ready to make the long journey out. So make me into the elite.\nHit me as hard as you can.\nI'm ready.\nSincerely, \nPhil Kijak\nIndiana University