Don't be McDiculous

Jumbo shrimp. Pretty ugly. Soft rock. Healthy McNugget? \nYes, McDonald's is getting a little oxymoronic these days. According to the Chicago Tribune, McDonald's will spend the next six weeks introducing a more wholesome Chicken McNugget. In response to consumer preference tests, the company will shed the dark meat that currently concocts 30 percent of McNuggets and replace it with 100 percent white meat. The 6-piece reformed version will contain 260 calories as opposed to 310 and 16 total grams of fat rather than 20. \nImproved McNuggets? Possibly. \nBut healthier McNuggets? I suppose that's all relative. I'd rather get the stomach flu than dysentery, but in terms of overall well-being, I would recommend neither. You can't base a marketing ploy on the fact that you lessened a evil. The new nuggets might be slightly less lardy than the previous species, but so long as they're still dipped and fried in a vat of oil, I wouldn't bother boasting their dietary value. \nAlmost as humorously contradictory as the revolutionary nuggets are the McVeggie Burgers that appeared several months ago on the "Lighter Choices" menu in Canada and southern California. McDonald's warned that the soy-protein sandwich would hardly be vegetarian as they are prepared amongst meat products. But this conundrum is hardly significant. A good vegetarian wouldn't use a McDonald's toilet much less patronize its business -- McVeggie or not. \nFor whatever reason, it seems McDonald's has been making quite an effort to appear nutritionally savvy. According to recent press releases, its ongoing "Healthy Lifestyles" campaign features Oprah's personal trainer and promotes food education and physical fitness programs.\n"Helping encourage our customers to eat smart and be active is an ongoing commitment that McDonald's continues to make to our customers around the world," says Ken Barun, the company's corporate vice president. \nIt's kind of cute that the maker of the Big 'N Tasty is attempting to preach nutrition. But I think it's fair to say that McDonald's is a little out of its element here. It's trying to assume a role it has no business filling, and at times, it's just plain funny. No matter how many happy women jog through their commercials, "McDonald's" and "healthy lifestyles" will never go hand in hand. You can't slap a few salads and a yogurt cup on the menu and expect to attract people who are truly concerned about a balanced diet. McDonald's cuisine might find a place on some kind of food tetrahedron, but it will never make the pyramid.\nBut what does it matter, anyway?\nPeople don't eat at McDonald's in hopes of consuming a well-balanced meal. They go to McDonald's because they know they can be served saturated fat in all of its delicious variations in a short time and at a low cost.\nThere's no shame in serving junk food. Ronald McDonald will never be the poster child for fruits and vegetables, but that doesn't compromise his efficiency as a Happy Meal salesman.\nInstead of creating a greasy, paradoxical mess, McDonald's should stick to what it knows: bacon, lettuce and patty-fied cholesterol on a sesame seed bun. The people love it, and billions are served. There's no need to reel in the few people left who still find peanut butter sandwiches and fresh fruit to be just as convenient. It would only fuel the contradiction. Healthy nuggets? Nutritious McDonald's? Good grief.