Reality bites

Maybe you missed the news like I did, but two weeks ago, ABC announced plans to air an awards show geared specifically for reality TV. \nWhat I'd like to do this week is speculate a little. \nFirst, a disclaimer. I understand that we crave stupidity. Pro wrestling wasn't stupid enough. When people do stupid stuff, we laugh. Reality TV fits the bill nicely.\nWhile it seems that reveling in others' misfortune is quintessentially American, in reality it's the Germans who have a word for this: "Schadenfreude." Like most German words, it sounds vaguely like a sneeze, but in actuality, "Schadenfreude" roughly translates to "pleasure derived from seeing Simon Cowell fed to lions."\nI bring this up because we can't very well call the reality TV awards the "Schadenfreude" Awards Show. For one thing, we aren't on the best of terms with the Germans right now. And for another, "Schadenfreude" sounds suspiciously like "peinlich genau," which of course means "the ability to engineer precision automobiles." \nSo we need a name. We've already got the Oscars and the Emmys and all they represent. What we need is a nickname that personifies programming which is devoid of appreciable talent, is overly reliant on sex appeal and which exploits absurd publicity stunts.\nHow about the "Britneys"?\nNext, we need to start considering the categories. ABC and Don Mischer Productions, the firm helping to create the show, envision such categories as "Best Show" and "Best Twist." \nI'm thinking more along the lines of, "This year's Britney nominees for 'Most Dangerous STD Transmitted on the Show' are ... " \nFor shows like "The Great Race" and "Survivor," we could have "Most Courageous Display of Resiliency in the Face of Sunstroke and/or Debilitating Intestinal Infection."\nOther Britney categories worth mentioning:\n1. We Traveled Around the Whole World, but Somehow I Have to Push You Down to Win.\n2. Is It Possible to Sing Worse than This?\n3. Most Acrimonious Future Divorce Lawsuit.\n4. Could Somebody Please Hand Me a Toothbrush?\nThe key to any good awards show, of course, is the host. Billy Crystal has been a cliché for years, so we'll need another rumpled, mildly funny, vaguely humanoid comedian whose career is seeing an inexplicable revival.\nI suppose ALF will bring in some sponsorship dollars from 10-10-220.\nThe presenters are a bit of a problem. Who do you get who is sufficiently familiar but in dire enough career circumstances to agree to schlepp statues and make unfunny jokes? How many obscure '90s sitcom actresses are there?\n ALF: For our next Britney Award, we'll be recognizing the actress who required the most film editing to conceal nudity.\n Tempestt Bledsoe: The nominees for Best Pixellation are ...\n ALF: (Stares at Tempestt's mink stole)\n Tempestt: ALF?\n ALF: (Eats stole)\n Personally, I'm a little concerned that there aren't enough quality shows out there to ensure a good slate of nominees. Really, I mean it. Quality.\n For every solid show that's merely terrible, like "Survivor" or "American Idol," there are five shows that are transcendently wretched, like "Fear Factor" or "Manor House," PBS's foray into the reality TV market. Yes, even PBS is getting into the act. \nMaybe we're just jumping the gun a little when we imagine a yearly Britney Awards broadcast. Give PBS a little time, and it'll surely come up with "Survivor: Oscar's Garbage Can" or "Who Wants to be a 'Nova' Announcer."\nMe? I'll wait for Fox to come out with "Male Adolescent Fantasy Island"