Pat-RIAA-t games

There are many things the government could do to convince me that we're doing everything we can to win the war on terrorism. For example, getting the bad guys.\nI mention this in part because I'm fed up with this so-called "government" and their so-called "agencies." To see it in action, I direct you to the Central Intelligence Agency's Web site (www.cia.gov), which has a posting of frequently asked questions on terrorism.\nQuestion: "Aren't there restrictions on the CIA's recruitment of criminals and other unsavory characters?"\nYou'd like to think so. You hope in the back of your mind that the keystone of the U.S. intelligence community would have a rule somewhere, anywhere, which says they can only recruit law-abiding citizens and "savory" characters.\nAnswer: "The CIA has not been constrained from recruiting individuals with unsavory backgrounds."\nOh, no dice. But if you've been awake just once in the past 50 years, not entirely unpredictable.\nDon't get me wrong. I do feel safe today. I think we're doing an OK job. But I don't think we're doing enough to catch the worst guy of them all, the al Qaeda terrorist mastermind Osama bin Laden.\nAnd so, as is my civic duty as an American citizen and a humorist, I want to help my government in any way possible. That's why, today, I recommend recruiting the toughest, meanest, most cunning, most ruthless and most powerful, black-hearted group of unsavory characters currently working in the United States to help fight our war on terrorism: the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA).\nYou might be familiar with the RIAA. It is the group going around and suing the pants off of anybody who has ever downloaded a song on the Internet. \nIn fact, it settled its first lawsuit last week when a mother of a 12-year-old girl who lives in a New York City Public Housing Authority apartment agreed to pay $2,000. And thank God RIAA settled when it did, or she might have used that money on food.\nCritics stepped up last week, too. Sen. Dick Durbin, D-Ill., asked RIAA President Cary Sherman during a Judiciary Committee hearing, "Are you headed to junior high schools to round up the usual suspects?" After which, everybody laughed, and an embarrassed Sherman tore off his suit, exposed his wings and sucked Sen. Durbin's soul out through his tear glands.\nNo, wait. That's when I changed the channel from C-SPAN to "Buffy the Vampire Slayer."\nNeedless to say, the RIAA is as unsavory as they come. It is really serious about this whole downloading thing. It appears to be going to any length to try to catch those evil song-swapping thieves, which is why I think it is the perfect organization to hunt down Osama bin Laden. \nConsider this potential exchange, in which a suspended, chain-smoking rogue RIAA agent with a perpetual 5 o'clock shadow and nothing to lose attempts to catch Osama bin Laden on his own:\nAgent: Hello, is this IP address #24652336?\nOsama: (long pause, keyboard sounds) Yes.\nAgent: We're just double checking some stuff here. I promise this won't take long. Can you confirm or deny you downloaded Justin Timberlake's "Rock Your Body"?\nOsama: (long pause) Yes.\nAgent: And have you helped orchestrate any terrorist attacks in the last decade?\nOsama: (long pause) Who did you say this was?\nIt's perfect! We would catch the bad guy and give the RIAA a bit of credibility. And maybe we could even allow the CIA to take over the search for the online song thieves.\nIt'd never find us.