A vast fried-wing conspiracy

Last year, two teen-aged plaintiffs filed suit against the McDonald's Corporation, blaming the fast-food giant for their obesity. Their lawyer, Samuel Hirsch, claimed that, unbeknownst to consumers, Chicken McNuggets, Filet-O-Fish sandwiches, French fries and other menu items are so processed with additives and other ingredients that they can pose a serious health hazard. U.S. District Judge Robert Sweet dismissed the class-action lawsuit January 22 stating, "The law is not intended to protect people from their own excesses." \nUnfortunately, that wasn't the end of the story. Instead, the issue has reappeared with a corpulent vengeance, setting the stage for another round of litigious scapegoating. Now there are no fewer than seven McLawsuits before the courts, all of which involve overweight people who can't quite wrap their minds around the concept of personal responsibility.\nWhether the metabolically challenged are owed reparations is, in my opinion, a judicial non-starter. And I would like to know why the morbidly obese are seeking damages in the courts, when one need only get a gander at their out-of-control waistlines to see that the damage is a fait accompli -- an accomplished fact. Everyone knows that money is the root of all eating. So why are these folks suing for millions?\nI'm a credentialed snarfer and long-time denizen of the fast-food/buffet circuit, and thus, I am uniquely qualified to take such a strident stance on this issue. \nYou see, my story started with a hottie named Little Debbie who had my nose open for the longest time until a friend and I started kickin' it at a place called Wendy's. For a while, I would visit two, three times a week, and it was all good. Then, the unexpected happened. I met this guy, Burger King, and being the self-assured, but curious consumer that I am, I unashamedly insinuated myself into an alternative lifestyle, and before I knew it, Ronald McDonald, Frisch's Big Boy and Colonel Sanders were all putting in quality time at my dinner table. I guess the old saying is true -- "Once you go fat, you never go back." But I digress.\nThe effects of such protracted gastronomic debauchery became crystal clear last December when I was diagnosed with Type II Diabetes. I have nothin' but love for Little Debbie et al., and Wendy's will always have a special place in my heart, but the doctor knew and I knew that I had to make some serious changes. I still make the rounds from time to time, and I'm not yet close to my goal weight, but I do realize that it's more about moderation than mere satiation. So, you see folks, I've been there, done that, and bought the blood-pressure medicine.\n As for this spate of lawsuits, I'll do my part by sending up a little prayer against these people and their unctuous and opportunistic lawyers in the hopes that the judicial system will restore a modicum of common sense and good judgment to the legal process. \n In the meantime, I'd like to go on record as saying that I truly empathize with overweight people, and I understand their struggle all too well. After all, it's my struggle, too. But that does not mitigate the fact that their problems are the direct result of Mobility Deficit Hyper-Mastication Disorder, or MDHD for short. And I've got the remedy: 1) start lifting weights by heaving your ample girth off the couch and out of the recliner, 2) observe the 12-step rule by remaining at least 12 paces from fast-food counters, snack-food aisles and concession stands, 3) realize that your treadmills are not going to walk themselves and 4) remember, the courts are there to help the victims, not the perpetrators.