The fools in April

In honor of April Fool's Day, I figured it was about time to tackle the most serious campus issue of all: annoying people. There are many wonderful and diverse personality types here at IU, but some of them are rather grating and cause unnecessary stress on the rest of the student body. Since stress affects grades, these individuals must be avoided at all costs.\nAnnoyance #1: Sophisticated Dark Lager Drinker Guy (Lager Guy)\nIf you are not yet 21, you probably have not met this individual unless he's your older brother. Typically, Lager Guys are 21 or 22 and frequent "the bars." They are too good for house parties. In fact, they are too good for a lot of things now that they're of legal drinking age. These are the same individuals who spent their first two years at IU sucking down whatever dishwater they could get their hands on, usually Bud Light. Now they abstain from such rubbish and consume only beers that have "ale," "lager," "micro" or "stout" attached to their name. Beers from Ireland or Belgium are also part of Lager Guy's domain.\nIf that was all there was to Lager Guy, no one would have a problem with him. Switching beer allegiances is nothing anyone takes lightly, and we respect that. But there's a lot more to Lager Guy than that. He frequently broadcasts his disdain for "beers that lack character" and his love for the "hops and yeast" that his new dark beers have. No one asks for this information, he just gives it to make sure we know how sophisticated he really is. \nOn top of all of this, Lager Guy also makes a point of letting you know he is fine with paying $5 per glass, since he would never consider compromising his refined tastes. Hey Lager Guy, paying more for beer is not the stuff of genius. Shave that goatee, too.\nAnnoyance #2: Girl with Abercrombie and Fitch Bags All Over Her Walls\nLook, I'm not a hater. I know those guys on the A&F bags are incredibly good looking. It's just when I walk into your room and there are 10 dudes with those creepy smirks looking right at me, I get a little freaked out. They have the same hollow stares as my stuffed pheasant, Chucklehead.\nHere's a tip: if you want to attract guys instead of scare them, put up a sports poster. Guys will use it as an excuse to talk to you, and if you let us ramble on about our favorite team, we'll classify you as a "cool chick." This is the highest compliment we can bestow.\nAnnoyance #3: Greek Haters\nFirst, I'm not in a social fraternity. When you are a freshman, it's fun to bash fraternities/sororities. However, it should now be evident that greeks do practically the same things as most non-greeks: party, join extracurricular activities and go to class. So what if they pay a little extra to live in a big house? It's closer to campus and a great way to meet lots of different people. You also don't have to cook, and most houses have invaluable designated driver programs. \nThe standard retort is that greeks "buy friends." That's dumb. People aren't going to like you just because you can execute the same handshake; true friendship always has to be earned regardless of the circumstances. Look, I know greeks can go overboard in trying to appear laid-back, but they more than make up for it through philanthropy. In 2001, they raised $220,769, which isn't exactly chump change. Greek life may not be for you, but getting mad about the long lines in front of Kilroy's will only tear you up inside.