Now I'll never get a French kiss

By the time I finally get a French kiss, it's going to be known as the Somebody's Tongue Is Trying To Enter My Throat! kiss.\nThis is because the American public is quickly changing all words that may have an allegiance to France and its Saddam Hussein loving denizens.\nIn the U.S. Congress, a representative wanting a side to go with his or her hamburger (which will soon be known as the Atlantic City meat patty) has to order "freedom" fries. If said representative wishes to have a delicious breakfast bread made with eggs, then "freedom" toast is highly recommended.\n"It's a symbolic change," said Representative Bob Ney, chairman of the Inane-Things-Congress-Can-Do-To-Pass-The-Time Committee. "This is just to send a message to our troops to say that here in the Capitol, we are not happy."\nIt is not known whether they are not happy because there is no "we hate France" red sauce to go with the "freedom" fries or if the "freedom" toast is a little runny, like those French when Germans come pouring over the borders.\nThe real culprits here, though, are the Belgians who invented "freedom" fries. The Belgians call them "pommes frites," which could very well be German for "Americans suck" fries. But Belgium will not go too far in their condemnation of the United States because they are well aware that the new M.O.A.B. (mother of all bombs) recently tested in Florida could wipe out their entire little country. Also, the news media has leaked that Denny's may soon start serving "round and yummy" waffles if the Belgian government is not more cooperative.\nThe Chinese are also in trouble if they decide to vote against the next proposed U.N. resolution. Americans will no longer be able to order out for Chinese food. It will be known as um … you know … the … uh … "stuff from the big country that's communist and has a Great Wall" food. That will be the official name. It cannot be changed. Chinese checkers will now be referred to as "What-Are-Marbles-Doing-In-A-Checkers Game?"\nMost of the American censorship has been toward the French thus far.\n"I feel like we're getting stabbed in the back for all we've done for France," said George Lauzon, whose Newna store is boycotting Evian Water bottled in the French Alps. "I don't want anything to do with them anymore."\nMr. Lauzon quickly stood in front of the bottle of French dressing (sorry … "freedom" dressing) when he opened the refrigerator to get a Heineken. He muttered something about the kids refusing to eat salad without it.\nThere is still some love for France around the world. Residents of the Australian coastal city Wollongong, which means "freedom fries" in the aboriginal language, want to symbolically defect to France because the Australian government does not represent their anti-war stance on Iraq.\nFrance was flattered by the offer, but decided that they'd rather just be "friends" with the city of Wollongong. It seems like Wollongong is doomed to be "always a bridesmaid, never a bride."\nThe humorous thing here is that America may not have freed itself from Britain without the help of France.\nActually, I've just received a note from Congress saying I needed to change the last paragraph.\nThe humorous thing here is that America may not have freed itself from Britain without the help of "freedom" fries.\nThat's better.