Smelling 'relatively' good

There's a girl in one of my classes who smells. I mean it, she reeks. She gives off one of those teasing, conniving odors that is too stubborn to strike right away. Instead it lingers in the hallway while she enters the room, then lazily wafts in behind her as she sits down. It waits patiently until she is comfortable, then it invades quickly-smiting all innocent nostrils in its path with the insulting aroma of … sun-ripened peaches. It burns.\nBe aware that the abuse of your latest Bath and Body Works purchase can be far more offensive than an unintentional body odor outbreak. The nervous guy next to you doesn't know he smells -- but every time you slather on lotion-or perfume, or cologne, or aftershave -- you are making the unfair assumption that I, the classmate you have never met, want to smell you today. I regret to inform you that this assumption is incorrect. I have no interest in smelling you. In fact, my nose and I would appreciate it if you left us rightly alone. \nThe ironic part of this tragedy is that when people douse themselves in pungent fluids; it is generally done in an effort to smell more attractive. Research, however, suggests that such actions may actually produce the opposite result. A study done by the University of California examined the personal space of people standing in line at an amusement park. Half of the people in the experiment wore popular cologne or perfume as they waited. The control group remained odorless. The researchers discovered that the other people in line tended to stand farther away from the scented people. Even though the products they were wearing were popular, they tended to repel other people.\nIt's not that smells can't be seductive. It's just that most people have the wrong idea. If guys are really interested in attracting the opposite sex via the olfactory system, they should consider sporting their own body musk. Apocrine glands, which are conveniently nestled under the arms and pants, produce a manly hormone called androstenol. These glands reside near axillary hairs which are specially designed to wick up the hormones' musky odor into the atmosphere. Females, incidentally, are blessed with the ability to detect this chemical through the vomeronasal system, a function used more prevalently in the animal world for receiving pheromones. \nIn 1991, J.J. Cowley and B.L. Brooksbank published a study which claimed women constantly exposed to androstenol interacted with men more frequently and on a deeper level than women who were not. Winnifred Cutler found similar results in 1998. In her study, men were given a special hormone compound to wear in addition to their aftershave. After six weeks, men wearing the hormone were discovered to have engaged in more sexual activity, more affection, more kissing, and more informal dates than the control group who did not wear the special chemical. \nUnfortunately, there is no such data to correlate Axe Body Spray to elevator action.\nIn essence, people are better off smelling like people -- which means people really shouldn't smell at all.\nAttempting to smell like your favorite fruit or spice may seem like a civilized effort, but science suggests it's the unnatural choice. Unless you sweat lavender, there is no reason to be redolent of a floral arrangement.\nIf you do decide to transform yourself into person-potpourri, do the world's sinuses a favor and do it on your own time. Don't permeate Ballantine with your stench. Don't cause headaches at the movie theater. Vomeronasal organs are private things.