Health Center havoc

Some of us are straight 'A' students. Others are world-class athletes. And then there are the lucky few who are medical mysteries.\nThere are people who literally have two left feet, or birthmarks in the shape of Cher, or strange rashes that have never been seen before.\nA few weeks ago I discovered one of those on my arm (the rash, not Cher), which I promptly ignored in hopes it would simply float away while I slept. However, nine out of ten doctors agree rashes do not have the ability to simply float away. The dissenting opinion was Dr. Phil who thought the rash may be able to float if only it believed in itself.\nUnfortunately, the rash didn't float, but grew. And grew. And grew. This forced me to realize if I didn't do something soon, I may very well turn into a giant rash. And I'm pretty sure that would be the end of dating for me.\nThis meant a trip to the IU Health Center. Now there is a common misconception that the staff of the IU Health Center doesn't know chicken pox from the White Sox.\n"Of course we do, I for one wear white socks every day," said Dr. Doom, a comic book character who interned with the IU Health Center last summer.\nBut, someone with a medical degree had to look at my arm. So, someone with a medical degree did look at my arm. And that someone had no idea what was growing on my arm.\nThis is a new experience to me. I grew up with the firm belief that doctors know everything. They are kind of like Santa Claus and a deity all rolled up into one giant ball of omniscient "Ho, Ho, Ho."\nI won't even look a doctor in the eye because I'm afraid he or she has the ability to delve into my soul, which is a place I really don't want any omniscient "Ho, Ho, Ho's."\nSo my doctor leaves the room and comes back two minutes later with a new doctor. He too is clueless about what's attacking my arm. So they leave and come back five minutes later with two more doctors. This is serious proof that doctors do indeed multiply like rabbits.\nThere are now four doctors puzzling over my arm saying stuff like "I've never seen anything like this. How interesting!" and "I wish I could have one of these for Christmas!" \nAll I really want to know is if this is going to kill me, but the doctors no longer recognize my existence and talk solely to the rash. \n"Wow, you really are getting big there, aren't you sport?"\nFinally, they decide it could be either dermatitis or a fungus or a bunch of colored dots or tiny space aliens having a party on my arm. My personal belief is that my arm contracted an STD from having unprotected sex with other arms while I slept. \nSo they prescribe me steroids, which confuses me at first because I can't figure out how making one look like Hulk Hogan will cure my arm. The doctors then explain that steroids have anti-inflammatory properties, or in other words, the little space alien party is about to be busted by a bunch of tiny Hulk Hogans. And that is a delightful scenario because the space aliens itch like the dickens, and nothing itches worse than the dickens. If you don't believe me, just ask the IU Health Center.