Fallen Heroes, Shattered Lives

For the last 15 years Pete Townshend has been the center of my musical universe. Since my days as a high school sophomore, Townshend -- the driving force behind the Who -- has been my idol and my hero. His music and his words, his complexities and catharses, his passion and his pain have inspired me, even helped me to survive during some pretty dark times. And now all of that has come crashing down.\nOn Jan. 13, British police arrested Townshend on suspicion of possessing, making and distributing child pornography. He went through a lengthy round of questioning before he was released on bail and told that more questioning could follow. He has yet to be charged with any crime. (Under British law, suspects frequently are arrested but not immediately charged with any crimes and are often released without being charged at all.)\nTownshend was one of more than 1,300 people who were nabbed in Operation Ore, a massive investigation of child porn in England.\nTownshend has stated publicly that although he did access a child porn site with a credit card, he did so as part of his research for an autobiography in which he will address the abuse he himself suffered as a child. He has said that he vehemently opposes child pornography and hopes that his work will help combat it.\nFor now I believe my hero. I believe he is not a monster, that he actually wants to eradicate the crimes of which he has been suspected. For now, I will have faith.\nBut that doesn't mean the last few weeks have been easy. I have tried to imagine not being a Who fan, tried to imagine dropping Who's Next and Quadrophenia from my life, imagine never again listening to and being moved by "So Sad About Us" or "Baba O'Riley" or "The Real Me."\nBut I just cannot do it. \nThe Who and Pete Townshend have been such an integral, even essential part of my life that, if the suspicions of Townshend turn out to be true, I fear I won't be able to continue my life as it has been. If he is found to be guilty of these hideous crimes, my existence will be fundamentally and forever altered.\nThat is because after nearly 10 years of depression and crippling self-doubt that has nearly taken my life on several occasions, I find in Townshend a kindred spirit, someone who, through his music, shares the same confusion and disillusionment and frustration.\nBut Townshend has also been an inspiration for me. Two decades ago he managed to overcome the alcoholism and drug addiction that for years had slowly destroyed his life. It was a personal victory that I often looked to when I was feeling particularly hopeless and helpless. Townshend's consistent and passionate support of numerous charities, including several children's charities, taught me that no matter how much I might be struggling with things in my life, there was always time, energy and money that could be spent helping others.\nOf course, Townshend did some stuff that pissed me off as well, for our heroes are rarely perfect. His last few solo albums have been disappointing, and he continues to sell off rights to his songs, which have showed up in commercials for, among other things, luxury cars and allergy medication.\nI just accepted these weaknesses, these missteps, just as I learned (and am still learning) to accept my own flaws and failures without turning them into destructive and pointless self-hatred.\nBut now Townshend is suspected of committing transgressions that make bad albums and Claritin commercials pale in comparison. If he is eventually found guilty, that is something I will not be able to accept, no matter how much I love his music, no matter what his words and notes mean to me, no matter how he has helped me survive in the past.\nIf that happens, I fear that I will be lost.