Sage advice

(A letter composed by the columnist to his nephew who just celebrated his third birthday.)\nDear Timmy, \nAt the age of six, I believed everything I was told. Everything! Even when my mother told me the reason the tooth fairy wanted my teeth was to make a giant sculpture of herself. Being older, I now know the tooth fairy uses the teeth in her quest to take over the world. Fortunately, she is stupid and collects teeth instead of nuclear missiles. To make sure you are not ensnared in the lies of youth, I have prepared a list of the most important things you are going to need to know as you grow up. \nJust because some Ethiopian is starving, does not mean you have to finish your food. Your mother just doesn't want to have to deal with all the leftovers. I feel your pain. Peas, asparagus, broccoli…all foods that an Ethiopian wouldn't eat, either. One time I even offered to Fed Ex my leftovers to Ethiopia, but my mother told me that was ridiculous and that nobody likes a smart alek. She then sent me to my seat in the corner. This leads me to my next piece of advice.\nNever, ever try to do something nice at a young age. It will backfire every time. Once I tried to help my mother by putting some of my clothes in the washer. I figured my crayons could use a cleaning so I put them in too. I, for one, thought the clothes looked better than ever before. My mother did not agree with me. And, as usual, whenever we had differences of opinion, I was sent to the corner. The corner and I were close friends growing up. \nSimon is an evil being who delights in the torture of young children. Simon says stand. Simon says jump up and down while bobbing your head and spinning. Simon says throw your body violently against a wall while clucking like a chicken. Go to the emergency room. Simon didn't say. I really hated that game. I would've just quit, but if I did, I would have to take a nap. And to a six-year-old, a nap is worse than catching cooties (which look something like boogers with an imprint of Christina Aguilera on them). \nNothing will bite your finger if you stick it up your nose. But being your uncle and all, I must say that nose picking is quite gross and that I highly suggest you stop that before middle school. And for goodness sake, don't eat anything you find in there. Ewww.\nNot all girls have cooties. Some of them have STDs instead. And no, STD does not stand for Super Tonka Dump truck. You do not want an STD for Christmas, and asking Santa for that is most certainly not a good idea.\nThere is no such thing as the Bogey Man. Unfortunately, there is such a thing as the Boogie Man, which is what people call me when I attempt to dance. It's kind of like calling a tall man Shorty or a funny man Bob Sagat. Maybe you'll understand when you're older. Let's just hope you aren't called the Boogie Man as well.\nAnd most importantly…that picture you let your mother take of you in your He-Man underwear will haunt you for the rest of your life.