Cover songs: The good, bad and ugly

So many artists are too quick to remake good and even bad songs without thinking twice. So this is the time when the DJs of the world (much like the shoplifters of the world) need to unite and take over...the airwaves. Hey, I enjoy the nostalgia trip as much as the next guy, but should anyone decide to remake "La Vida Loca," well, I'm not allowed to make threats in the paper, so just take note that you've been warned.\nTHE BAD\nHere are some of the worst cover songs ever recorded. There are plenty of crappy remakes to choose from, but it's more offensive to hear someone ruin a work of art than it is to hear someone play a bad song poorly.\nSheryl Crow, "Sweet Child o' Mine" (Guns 'n' Roses) Look, I don't care that she's dated Eric Clapton or even if she wears those red leather pants, there's no excuse for putting a string arrangement in a GNR song (see "Live" below). And not to sound sexist, but one of the main attractions of that song is rooted in the fact that even a tough guy jerk like Axl Rose needs a good woman. She castrated one of the most powerful songs in the past 20 years. I'll never be able to see the video again without a shiver running down my spine.\nGNR,"Live and Let Die" (Wings) Uh, violins, tympani, GNR... don't think about it too long or your head will explode. At least when Deep Purple played with an orchestra, those musicians could actually read music. Yeah, and they could read words, too. Thank God for Slash, or this would've been the lamest thing since the band Wings.\nLimp Bizkit,"Faith" (George Michael) This take should have a warning inscribed beside it: WILL induce vomiting. George Michael may have written some crap, but at least he could sing and it was catchy and had an original sound. If it weren't so painful to listen to Durst's screaming, it would be hysterical to hear these bozos making fun of disposable-pop. Geez, this guy still hasn't figured out that he was one of the biggest all-time no-talent jerk lottery wins.\nThe Indigo Girls, "Romeo and Juliet" (Dire Straits) This is probably the third biggest offense in the history of cover songs. We can usually count on the Indigo Girls to at least be intelligent and show restraint that pushes their music in either of two directions, tasteful or incredibly bland, but somehow managing to be preachy in half their songs. This rip-off of Mark Knopfler's beautiful, soul-wrenching ballad (and one of rock's best) is the dullest interpretation of any love song I've ever heard. If you had a contest to see how lame someone could make a great song without parody, this would be the winner. Not only are Knopfler's sincerity and emotional delivery stripped from the vocals, but his sparse yet perfect instrumentation that perfectly built the mood is gone. This would sound better as a beat poem.\nThe GOOD\nJimi Hendrix ,"All Along the Watchtower" (Bob Dylan) This is probably the best cover song ever. The difference between this and the original is stunning. It's also Hendrix's best recording outside of "Little Wing," and officially introduced millions of pot-heads to the wah-pedal. Hendrix was at his best when he was experimental, and this is a refreshing example of his rare, non-blues-based soloing that made him unique.\n"Little Wing," let's see, Derek and the Dominoes, Stevie Ray Vaughan, etc. (Hendrix) The height of psychedelic poetry in rock re-shaped into blues-rock a burning ballad and then some. Check out jazz duo Tuck and Patti's version to see how this song fits everywhere (even smooth jazz) when played by excellent musicians.\nJeff Buckley ,"Hallelujah" (Leonard Cohen) Yeah, so everyone and their grandma has covered this song as well, but it's much easier to avoid, and Buckley's version is the best at capturing the delicacy and closeness of the song while letting you swim through layers of sound. Everything echoes as if in a cathedral: the haunting voice, round guitar tones and just the essence of it all.\nThe UGLY\nPatti Smith, "Gloria" (Them) Admittedly I hate this version of this song, but it's much more original than most covers. Of course, not that many drugged-out singers would have the balls to mess with Van Morrison's work. The fact that a chick that weighed maybe 70 lbs. did it is even more impressive considering the role of women in rock at the time.\nMadonna, "American Pie" (Don McLean) For no other reason than the fact that Madonna introduced many people to a tragically forgotten song of such historical importance does this song fall under "the ugly" and not just plain bad. Well, alright, the hypocrisy of Madonna singing about music and America in general losing its innocence is a riot. And hey, the lyrics are so good that even ol' gap teeth can't do that much damage.\nRun DMC/Aerosmith, "Walk This Way" The cool thing here is that it single-handedly started a new style of music and resurrected Aerosmith's career. The bad news is that the new style I was referring to happens to be rap-rock. It's a little out-dated, but fun anyway. And for all you haters out there, you better recognize that the original wasn't exactly a masterpiece, even if it did teach you how to score with the girl next door.