Man the lifeboats and prepare to jump ship

Last year, I got sucked into watching "The Triangle," a dopey made-for-cable movie about a ghost ship. That one starred TV wash-ups Luke Perry and Dan Cortese. Then my brains turned to tapioca and I found myself watching "Lost Voyage," yet another made-for-cable movie about a ghost ship. That little masterpiece starred TV wash-ups Judd Nelson and Janet Gunn. Both movies were tedious and meandering, but hey, I was the numbnuts who watched them. Both of them.\nNow, more than a year later, I was faced with another movie about a ghost ship, this one creatively titled "Ghost Ship" and starring TV wash-up Julianna Margulies. The only difference between this theatrical release and those two boob-tube classics is several choice four-letter words and a whole lot of gore. By the bucketful.\nA crack marine salvage crew skippered by Murphy (Gabriel Byrne) is presented with an offer by Munder (Karl Urban), a pilot who has apparently discovered a luxury liner that disappeared without a trace 40 years ago. The deal: Munder and the crew members will, according to international marine law, split whatever booty they find on the ship.\nThe crew sets out for the frigid Bering Sea and climbs aboard the mysterious ship. The members of the boarding party eventually discover crates full of gold bouillon and think they have struck it rich.\nThat's when the goofy (and allegedly scary) stuff starts happening. Boats explode, people die and crew member Epps (Margulies) receives spiritual advice from a creepy dead girl. \nFrom the pointlessly bloody opening scene (one out-of-control ship cable and a whole lot of severed torsos) to a muddled climax that had something to do with pure evil (I think it did, anyway. I wasn't really paying attention), "Ghost Ship" actually made those TV movies look good. The acting was stilted (led by a comatose Margulies and an obviously bored Byrne), the script was mundane and the effects were non-existent.\nSo, perhaps, "Ghost Ship" was the final part of my masochistic marine trilogy. Hundreds of corpses and a half-dozen ex-TV actors later, I still feel like I'm adrift, lost on a sea of mediocrity, inanity and some seaweed. And I'm starting to get queasy.