The $50,000 designated driver

I drive an '89, '90 and '92 Chevrolet Cavalier. It's a mutt. The driver's side door is an off-color replacement, due to an incident with a soccer mom scavenging for a Happy Meal toy on the floor of her minivan. Mine is but a small story of automobile horror. I am sure there are many of you with far worse tales of mismatched parts and non-working features. Do not fret fellow students; the IU Student Association is looking out for all of us lemon-owners. I'd like to take this time to show my full support to IUSA in their purchase of the Corvette. I only hope they will reciprocate my faithfulness by making sure the winner of the Corvette is me.\nAs a deeply involved IU student who has yet to "vote hard" in any election, I have a couple questions for IUSA that I would like to ask publicly. If I win the Corvette, am I expected to chauffeur IUSA members around campus? I'm asking because I have an irregular sleep schedule and might not be able to drive at all times. I know this is an unfortunate drawback, but I really want to win the Corvette. This brings me to my next question: Will this irregular sleep schedule hurt my chances of winning? I hope this is not true because as I stated two sentences ago, I really want to win.\nI have to hand it to IUSA. I have never seen anybody go to such great lengths to find a designated driver with a cool car. If you win the Corvette, not only do you get a cool car, but you'll probably get to drive around all of the higher-ups in IUSA from party to party. Since you'll be sober, you can assist during keg stands and beer bongs at every frat on campus! I understand IUSA's plight because it can be tough to find a designated driver. We owe it to them to enter the raffle because they do so much. It's the least we can do.\nThose opposed to IUSA's raffle are missing the point. Because they represent all of us, they've even decided to open up the raffle to international students by not requiring voter registration! Of course, the change may have been made because bribing people to vote is illegal, but I am sure they were well aware of this oversight. For the sake of my winning the Corvette, do not enter the raffle if you are against IUSA's use of funds. You'll only spoil it for people like me who could really use this car.\n The real reason for IUSA's "Project Vote Hard" is to get those of us students who know absolutely nothing about the government involved by voting for candidates who are concerned about important issues and stuff. As a concerned resident, I plan on voting for the male candidate who does the best job of hiding his baldness. Everybody has their reasons for voting, and having good taste in hair\npieces just happens to be mine. \nAnyway, IUSA is looking out for people like you and me who want our voices heard. Do your part by registering to vote in November's elections. To those of you in IUSA, you can do your part by making sure Rory Starks is the winner of the Corvette. Thank you.