Professors: a field guide

While traveling through campus, students will come across many different professors. Having been here a couple of years, I would like to inform the newer students about the various species of professors. I can hardly describe every type of professor, so I have selected the most well known of the species. This is not meant to offend anyone, so I hope readers will not read too far into my descriptions.\nThe first type of professor I would like to describe to you is the generic, no frills, professor. Generic professors are usually unexcitable, and never discuss life outside of the classroom. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a generic professor. Aside from their sleep-inducing monotone voice, you will not have any problems from these docile creatures.\nThe next type of professor is the absent professor. Yes, I said absent professor, not absent-minded professor. You will rarely see this type in the classroom as they have their associate instructor minions to herd their students. These professors are usually researchers so they have more important things to do like translate Beowulf or calculate pi to the billionth decimal. Absent professors are very attainable during their office hours. Make sure to take note of these hours as you will rarely see them otherwise.\nWhat bestiary would be complete without the crotchety, constipated professor? This creature is normally middle-aged or older, with the male of the species having a noticeable lack of head hair and poor taste in neckties. The female is easily recognized by her seemingly bottomless can of Diet Coke that she chugs after swallowing various stool softeners and hormone replacement medications. Though sometimes feisty, this creature enjoys challenging students with unanswerable questions while they go to the bathroom to make a bowel movement.\nRookie professors are the youth of their species. Just as young tigers are called cubs, these young professors are referred to as \"instructors". They are sometimes found in the close vicinity of professors, whom they will take orders from unquestionably. Be advised. Though they may seem harmless while under supervision from a professor, expect a relentless assault of homework during the professor's absence. This comes from the instructors' insatiable lust for power, which they will abuse whenever given the chance.\nThe final type of professor I would like to share with you is the prophet. The prophet is the professor whom students look forward to seeing in class. Like the crotchety professor described above, the prophet enjoys challenging students with difficult questions, but they do so without escaping to the bathroom. They are typically found in lecture halls, as the prophet enjoys large audiences. Students should make sure that they never, under any circumstances, comment on the prophet's easy assignments. Though it may be tempting to say, "Gosh Professor, your class sure is easy," doing so could cause this normally kindhearted professor to regress into a pop-quizzing madman, or madwoman.\nI hope my brief survey of professors has provided new students with a greater understanding of the species. Since this is the first week of class, it's a good idea to get to know your professors. Introduce yourself before or after class so the professor knows more about you other than the fact that your name is hard to pronounce. Make sure to take this field guide with you, and don't feed the professors.