Have our drinks ... and study too

I, making benevolent use of my column space, cordially welcome the class of 2006. You will all grow and learn much in your four (or more) years here, and for those who make it out alive, the world is your oyster.\nNow I will discuss a matter of immediate import -- IU has been named the nation's No. 1 party school, over such perennial contenders as Florida State and Wisconsin. I find it ironic that a year ago, IU was being recognized as Research College of the Year by Time Magazine, and now, the Princeton Review says that we are the wildest, most drunken bunch of collegians in the country. One could be optimistic about all this, and call it a holistic experience. We at IU can drink to our heart's content, and still maintain a 3.0. The guys in Animal House never had it this good. We can go home and tell our parents with pride that vodka and jell-o shots are our favorite study aids.\nWith that in mind, I have observed that there are many types of drunk people on this campus. All but one type share the trait of talking too much and revealing much more information about themselves or their peers than they intend or know. This can work to your advantage, if you, the listener, are sober.\nSome people really open up when they get drunk. They do table and pole dances, sing Britney Spears songs and laugh uncontrollably at everything in their field of vision. These people (both guys and girls) tend to never remember what they did the night before and often complain about the worst hangover they've ever had (always worse than their last one). These are usually the people who handle their alcohol like a juggler with no arms ... they just can't hack it.\nOther people get really mean when intoxicated. Four-letter words become the extent of their vocabulary. They put down everyone and everything, including the host of the party, their date, their enemy, their designated driver, their mom, your mom, and so on. After sobering up, these drunkards may or may not apologize for their previous transgressions.\nA few people handle their alcohol like Marshall Faulk carries the football. They keep it together very well, only slightly indicating their actual imbibed state. They are the ones who steady the tipsy people and claim only a "buzz" when they drink what would normally be liver-damaging amounts of alcohol. More often than not, these people don't actually talk a lot about drinking. It's those who don't do it well that talk about it all the time.\nSome people use alcohol as an avenue to vent their anger. These people must be avoided. They are either the violent, belligerent people at the party, or the depressed guy in the corner drinking his problems away. Both of these types of people must be referred to their local chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous immediately. The latter needs help because he may have a problem that needs to be dealt with and the former just because he's a jerk. \nThere is one more serious issue to note when talking about a party school. Males, read closely, because I am writing to you -- taking advantage of a buzzed or drunk girl is WRONG. If you have to resort to these means to get your gun off, you are a pitiful excuse for a man anyway, and have no interpersonal or dating skills to speak of. Time and time again I have been at parties where the tipsy girl gets all the attention, and often the wrong kind of attention. Take the hint -- if she didn't want you while she was sober, she was telling the truth. Back off. Besides, romantic interludes are much more fun when both parties can remember what happened and talk fondly about it the next day. Though we are the number one party school, we do not want to become the number one date rape school.\nYes, I am old fashioned. Women are too valuable to be disrespected.\nThough we are currently the No. 1 party school in the land, these people and issues occur on every campus across the country (Unless you are studying in a monastery.) The choice we as IU students have in front of us is clear. Personally, I would rather be remembered as a graduate from a school where success is the norm and people go far in life, not a school where more and more people get on the seven-year graduation plan because alcohol got in the way.