And don't forget to brush

Welcome back kids! By now, you have all worn out your "Nellyville" CD's and are eager to get back into the swing of things. At the present time, you are probably waiting for your teacher to release you 45 minutes early because it's "syllabus day." Well, you won't be disappointed unless you are pre-med or have one of those legitimate majors. I want to begin the new school year by explaining what you should not be doing as a student at IU (as I haven't figured out what I am supposed to be doing yet). This is for all incoming freshmen, as well as upperclassmen that may need a reminder after our four-month layoff. Don't make the same mistakes I have made over the years.\nDon't leave your couch on Parents Weekend or at any time where a lot of parents are infesting our campus. This is because none of them know how to drive. Every car in front of you thinks that the speed limit is 13 miles per hour. In the drivers seat, you see the father's head constantly spinning while he holds his hands up in surrender. In the passengers seat, the mother studies a cartoon map of the campus and says things like, "I think we need to get back onto Interstate 37 to get to Billy's dorm." Then you see the car make a left hand turn from the right lane and begin traveling in the wrong direction on a one-way street. \nDon't forget to buy basketball season tickets. If Moye makes that bull dog face he made against Kent State in the Elite 8, it will be worth the price of admission.\nDon't join a fraternity. They shut them down here like they were illegal massage parlors. Um, not that anything like that was going on in our house before we got booted (Uh-oh).\nDon't ignore Bloomington's scenery. We have one of the most beautiful campuses in the country, and I am not just talking about all of those coeds. \nDon't park anywhere. I once pulled over to drop something in the mailbox at the intersection of Cottage Grove and Walnut Grove, and by the time I walked back to the Subaru, I had accumulated nine parking tickets. That just doesn't seem fair. \nDon't attempt to purchase alcohol from Big Red Liquors if you are under the age of 21. I am 21 and the last time I went there I left empty handed and in tears. The sale is only permitted if you correctly answer questions like, "How many hours until your 77th birthday?" \nDon't take any classes in Jordan Hall. I would rather leave my little sister alone with R. Kelly than take another course there. The doors on the north side entrance are an architectural disaster. Once you are inside, you are bombarded with animal displays that instill more depression than interest. Unless you live on 3rd Street, it's a two hour jog to get to Jordan Avenue. You'll end up attending class like twice in favor of sanity.\nDon't go to Maggie Moo's, or IU will be the first institution to coin the phrase freshman fifty. Their ice cream is just way too scrumptious. What, you think Jared ballooned up from salty snacks?\nDon't miss out on things like the Student Recreational and Sports Center, free tutoring and intramurals, to make up for all the money the University swindles from us in the form of "miscellaneous fees." There was a charge buried on my Bursar bill last semester for a Chinese Proficiency Test. I don't even speak Chinese. \nThat is all, my young apprentices.