Make a monkey out of me

After 16 hours of pretending to be a chimpanzee, I've decided that I don't like being one very much. \nIn fact, I believe I hate being a chimp.\nUnfortunately, I'm stuck in this farce for the next eight hours because the professor of my chimpanzee class assigned us to eat like a chimp for 24 straight hours and I'm dumb enough not to think of a way out of it.\nI know what everyone is thinking. What is a journalism major doing in a class on monkeys?\nI have no idea. Next question, please.\nAnyway, for the last 16 hours, I have eaten three apples, one orange, eight pieces of celery, and the best two chicken tenders I have ever had in my entire life. I probably ate more chicken than I was supposed to, but I'm just going to pretend a chicken fell out of the sky into the jungle into my lap and I just happened to have a stove and frying pan.\nIt's 2 a.m. and I am so craving a McDonald's cheeseburger right now. But a cow falling out of the sky into the jungle is just a bit too wild even for my imagination. \nMy stomach is quite irked for good reason. I can hear it rumbling as I type. "What is going on here? I demand some beef or milk or even bread. If I had arms, I would kill for a slice of bread right now. But I don't have arms because I'm an internal organ. Aarrgghh."\nI'm also allowed to eat raw spinach and unsalted peanuts, but it seems the Wright C-Store doesn't stock up on those two items. Popeye would be quite irate if he found out the Wright C-Store was not keeping a good supply of his testosterone-laced spinach. I have never eaten spinach before because of his cartoons. I was always afraid my muscles would get confused and all the spinach would go to my finger and it would explode and I wouldn't have my finger anymore. I'd miss that finger.\nI think writing this column at 2 a.m. after a full day of eating like a chimp is a very bad idea. I'm going to read this thing Thursday and be like, "Aw man...my mom is gonna read this crazy thing and is gonna start worrying that I'm doing drugs, and my only defense is gonna be that my professor asked me to eat like a chimp for a day and then I know she's gonna start crying after that." That was a lot of "gonnas." That's one more gonna than I've had apples today.\n I don't even want to see an apple anymore. Try eating three apples in a row and see how much you like the evil little red fruits. I plan on going to an applesauce factory sometime this month just to see them suffer.\nIt's pretty obvious to me now that I'd make a horrible chimpanzee. It's sad, but true. Yet another dream of mine destroyed by reality. Oh well, maybe next week I'll try to be a koala bear.