I'm the one behind the lighter

I remember the first time I lit one up. I was sitting behind the wheel of my fire-red Ford Explorer. Sitting beside and behind me were a hoard of guys I was desperately trying to impress. The victim of my ridiculous huffing and puffing: a Marlboro Light. \nFailing to inhale, I embarked on my journey of nicotine addiction that more than 30,000 Marlboro miles later has led me to seemingly 59-year-old lungs and a habit I just can't seem to break.\nI have always argued with nonsmokers concerned for my health that I am not and could not be addicted to smoking. Only in recent days when I have for the first time truly tried to quit realized how addicting this nicotine has become.\nEven without Joe Camel and with lawsuits that have amounted to billions when big wigs in companies like R.J. Reynolds and Philip Morris have finally been forced to admit that nicotine is in fact addicting, cigarette smoking in teenagers and twenty-somethings increases yearly, according to the Health section on the Yahoo! Web site.\nAlways able to rationalize my smoking as merely a "college thing," a grandmother ridden with cancer who will soon not be able to recognize my face has forced me to begin to quit the drug that has invaded the interior of my car, the lungs in my body and the intelligence in my brain.\n Cigarettes became a thing to do when the nervousness of life set in; a crutch during times of weakness or sadness. The day a guy I adored this summer moved back to the East Coast, I smoked three packs in two hours. The minute I find out I bombed a test I yearn for my best friend Camel Turkish Jade, the newest of my menthol companions. \nGraduating from regular to menthol years ago, what initially started as an attempt to look cool has become something that I can't get rid of, the devil on my shoulder that slowly eats at the lungs that I need to survive.\nOnly recently have I met people disgusted by my habit who don't pity someone who chooses to fill their body with nicotine pollutants. Smoking is a choice, I am constantly reminded, and I am going to have to choose not to be addicted.\nWhile I agree that it is no one's fault but my own, I have become trapped in a haze of smoke that even the highly rotated "Truth" ads that explain the dangers of tobacco can't seem to get through.\nSome suggest trying the patch, others suggest that anyone can quit with enough willpower and desire. \nAnd that is just it, I feel that even though I know it is killing me and it finally disgusts me, I still have a desire I can't seem to erase. The cigarette has been my best friend through long road trips through three states to get home and through tough times.\nI don't blame the tobacco industry, just as I don't blame the young boys I was trying so hard to impress. So what if Philip Morris knew it was addicting. As a smoker, I chose to take part knowing I could become dependent.\nSo now at what has to be the end of a career as a smoker, I find it ironic how many of my smoking buddies want to blame someone else. The mentality that it is big tobacco or anyone else's fault is one that can't be right. My two hands held that first cigarette and my lungs inhaled that first drag. So now it will be my mind that tells my lungs they have become important enough to quit.