A little turkey recovery

During Thanksgiving break, I, like most of my fellow students, did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. \nIt was wonderful. Unfortunately, my resolve to do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING has continued into the first few days back from break. Thus, not only did I turn in my Russian history paper two days late, I also did not write a column this week.\nFortunately, I have a solution.\nThe following column is one of my favorites I wrote during my freshman year at the University of Southern Indiana. May it be a warning to all you who do not heed the call of a sumptuous, hearty breakfast.\nThe Scenario: I'm sitting in sociology class minding my own business trying to listen to the professor.\nThe Problem: I skipped breakfast this morning. But hunger is the least of my problems. My main predicament is that my stomach has decided to voice its opinion about being empty:\n(yurk).\nWhew. Only a small growl that nobody seemed to have noticed. Maybe it will go away on its own.\nYurk.\nHmm. Or maybe it won't. I look around and see that everyone is still paying attention to the professor. I decide to try holding my breath for as long as possible in hopes that it will tame my increasingly wild stomach.\nYUrk. \nLearned something new. Hunger pangs cannot be solved the same way as hiccups. The person next to me turns her head and looks hesitatingly at me for a second. I give her a look which basically says, "Who, me?"\nYURk. \nThat answers her question. Along with everyone else's within a five-seat radius of me. Time to adjust my hat down as far as possible to cover my face, which has decided to emulate a chameleon on a red corvette. I try holding my stomach, thinking a little pressure might stop my tummy's fervent protests.\nYURK!\nWell, ____! (Insert expletive of choice.) I have now officially been deemed the most annoying person on the planet Earth. I am also now in full turtle shell mode with my head entirely tucked inside of my sweatshirt. "There's no place like home. There's no place like home." I click my heels together, but nothing. There is never a pair of ruby slippers around when you really need them.\nYURKK!\nWhen the extra "K" comes in play, it is widely recognized that you are in serious trouble. I am lucky there aren't any wild animals lurking around, because I am almost positive that the sounds emanating from my stomach are extremely similar to most mating calls. The poor souls sitting near me are trying desperately to ignore the fervent cries of an untamed stomach bouncing all around them.\nYURKKK!\nFat chance. I hear a few people sigh, and wonder if they are from disgust or pity.\nYURKKKK!\nDefinitely disgust. But before they can form a lynch mob, the professor dismisses the class, allowing me to escape as quickly as possible. On the way out of the classroom, I occasionally look over my shoulder for lynch mobs and wild animals. \nThe Destination: The nearest snack machine.