Please don't read this mom!

My mother is not allowed to read this column.\nProbably because it is about an independent film the cast and I affectionately nicknamed "Sex, Violence, and the Word (for the sake of my grandmother's I'm going to change this word a bit) 'Quack-Quack.'" It also includes other long-held family movie traditions like smoking, consuming large amounts of alcohol and one joke involving the male genitalia and a one-eyed penguin. (Okay, the joke doesn't really involve a one-eyed penguin. For some odd reason, the director never subscribed to my script changes.)\n"Sex, Violence and the Word 'Quack-Quack'" is a film about greed, loss of innocence and me taking off my shirt...so everybody should go see it. \nShameless propaganda: Hopefully, it will be debuted sometime next winter here in Bloomington, which will give the entire student body the once in a lifetime chance to see a powerful student-made drama and more importantly, me without my shirt.\nYou also get a chance to see me drunk (please stop reading this mother!) because the director didn't know I don't drink and thus have the tolerance level of a baby chipmunk. So, when he put real alcohol in my "fake" drink, the entire cast knew something was wrong when I suddenly found the tricky word combination "I guess so" incredibly hilarious. \nEspecially since the phrase came out "I gas hoes" every time it popped out of my mouth. And that just doesn't work when your character is being asked if he thinks a certain person is dead.\nWell, after I sobered up, we moved on to my "make-out" scene. \nPathetic truth about Joe Grace time: I initially refused to do this scene because I'm a complete loser who hasn't had his first kiss yet. I'm also a complete moron who tells the student population things most people wouldn't tell their best friends, and I didn't want my first kiss to be a stage kiss. \nLuckily, the director had a back up plan. He told the actress she could do anything she wanted to me as long as she didn't kiss me on the lips and for me to react as I normally would. \nThis may be most guys' fantasy, but I was scared to death of being bitten or something. According to the director, who was laughing so hard he could barely speak, the look on my face when she started kissing me on my neck was that of utter confusion. I may have well been saying, "What is this strange thing you are doing to my neck?" The cast started calling this scene "Derek's Molestation" after a few more takes of me looking frightened to death at this girl attached to my neck (Derek being my character's name).\nNow that I had the sex part out of the way, it was time for the violence. I am still tending to the wounds afflicted to me during the "acting." Most were my own fault, though, like when I ran full speed into a fireplace poker that one of the characters was holding. That was kind of painful.\nThe best part of the fights was the fake blood capsules. I never knew spitting out blood could be so tasty. Those capsules were gourmet. I would start buying them as candy, but I'd really rather not have to explain to everybody why I chew on fake blood for fun.\nThen there was the language. Let's just say that everybody, including myself, got down with the Quack-Quack. Sorry mom.