Snot and chocolate bunnies

I hate being sick.\nBut then again, who loves being sick? I've a hard time imagining anyone running around screaming "Woo hoo! I have Malaria!" or "Go me! Typhoid Fever!"\nBut I'm sure they are out there. And they're probably running the government.\nActually, I have never heard of a president being sick. Does George W. Bush get colds? Or do his super powers of logic and critical thinking prevent him from being attacked by evil viruses? Furthermore, I don't want to hear theories from any biology majors about whether or not viruses cause colds, because I don't feel like looking up their big words.\nBecause I'm sick, I don't feel like doing anything besides lying in bed and calling for my mommy to bring me soup. Unfortunately she can't, because she lives two and a half hours away. So I'm stuck looking like a crazy guy on his bed who is calling for his mommy from his dorm room.\nBut I'm allowed to do that because -- that's right -- I'm a humor columnist. Therefore, anything I do, no matter how insane it seems, is justified by the fact that I make fun of myself on a weekly basis\nAnd the fact that I'm sick.\nHonestly, I think I've blown enough snot out of my nose in the past two days to fill the Yellow River. (Yes, that was a gross image and a bad pun all rolled into one fun-filled sentence.) This concerns me because I want to know where it all comes from. \nWhat part of my body is stupid enough to create more snot when I'm consistently getting rid of it in large quantities? I'd like to say it's my clavicle, but I'm pretty sure the biology majors would have something to say about that somewhere along the lines of "I hate Joe Grace."\nI have been taking steps toward fighting the infection that is plaguing my body. Mainly by continually consuming the vast amounts of leftover Easter candy that is strewn all over my room. My room is truly an Easter candy disaster area. It's as if the Easter bunny stepped on a land mine in the middle of my dorm room. Okay, that's kind of a disturbing image and I should apologize.\nBut I'm sick, so the Easter bunny is just going to have to stay destroyed and littered across my room for the time being.\n Somehow, I don't think the chocolate bunnies and jelly beans are improving my condition. But I believe the Pez I've been snacking on out of my indispensable Winnie the Pooh Pez dispenser has a few curative properties. \n This is based solely on the fact that strawberry Pez turns my tongue pink. Or are tongues already pink? I better ask the biology majors. Or look in a mirror. I guess that would be the reasonable thing to do.\n But I'm sick, so I don't have to be reasonable. All I have to do is remind everybody that I'm sick about a million times, like some little kid reapeating a joke. As a sick person, it's allowable. And eventually, without me having to do a thing, somebody will hit me over the head with a brick.\nAnd I will have deserved it. Because nobody really wants to hear me rant about being sick. Unless, of course, I talk about an obliterated Easter bunny at the same time. Then it's okay.