Beware of Disney

During spring break, I discovered that the magical world of Disney's illusion of family fun is really a sinister plot to brainwash America's youth into thinking that with enough "fairy dust," they too can fly.\nAnd that's not the worst of it.\nDisney World has scary people dressed up as large animals that insist on tousling your hair every single time you get within arm's length of the hideous creatures. Call me cynical, but I am not particularly crazy about my scalp being rubbed by a giant rat in a polka dot dress. It's just not my thing. Especially when I'm trying to eat dinner. Shudder.\nThe little kids seem to love this though. And for some strange reason, the parents don't seem to mind that things I have nightmares about are touching their children. When I'm a parent, I'm going to walk around the theme park with a giant mouse trap to ward off any unwarranted pests that may feel the urge to give my children a possibly disease-infested hug.\nThere are even bigger concerns than this.\nDisney's MGM Studios displays a massive show every night, which they have decided to call Fantasmic! This word does not exist anywhere in the dictionary. At least not in the English one I looked at. For all I know, it could be German for "mouse poop," but somehow I doubt that.\nThus, the only meaning I can come up with is that it's a mixture of fantastic and orgasmic. And I know that this cannot be appropriate for children under the age of thirteen. So there I was, sitting on a bleacher getting ready to watch something which may very well belong on HBO, surrounded by throngs of tiny tykes about to have their innocence taken away by Mickey Mouse and Co. \nA sad day for the children of the world.\nLuckily for society, it turned out just to be the usual Disney fare with Sorcerer Mickey wiping out every single Disney baddy by splashing them with water. They really need to come up with some more resilient evil characters. How pathetic to be destroyed by getting wet. That was always my problem with the Wizard of Oz. The Wicked Witch of the West must have never been able to take a shower. Gross. No wonder her skin was green.\nThe grand finale had 26 Disney characters dancing along an 80-foot long replica of Steamboat Willie's steamboat. Where is an iceberg when you desperately need one? I'm forced to worry about the possible psychological problems inflicted on the actors playing these characters. I can easily imagine the guy who played Aladdin jumping off the roof of his plush condominium with a rug only to realize halfway down that he just made a big mistake. Yes, he forgot to feed Abu before taking off, the big dummy. \nYou have to remember to always take care of pets before jumping out into infinity with a rug, for no other reason than that will probably pop in your mind during the next test when you're trying to remember who won the Civil War. (The answer of course being Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.)\nThis column, like all Disney films, has a moral at the end of it. And that moral is that even though Disney World is an evil place filled with mischief, mayhem and mice, it is also expensive and crowded. And it's fantasmic too, so beware.