'Titans': Spawn of Satan

I think I know how NBC's new prime time soap opera, "Titans," (8 p.m. Wednesday) came to be. God was having a nice chat with Satan when the conversation turned to one of Lucifer's most diabolical creations: Soap operas.\nThen God asked the Devil, "Do you know Jeff Schogol?"\n"The TV columnist?" Mephistopheles asked.\n"Yeah, that schmuck," the Lord answered. "We need to think of something new to do to him. I'll tell you what, you have your servant Aaron Spelling create a soap opera that's as shallow as a cesspool AND put it on prime time, and I'll make him watch it. Moreover, even though he will pray for death, I'll make him live so that his life will be his torture."\nWith that, "Titans" was born.\nThe show deals with the Williams family, an incredibly rich and dysfunctional clan consisting of beautiful big-breasted blondes and brunettes and corporate heavyweight males.\nAnd if you listen closely, you can actually hear Satan laughing with delight. \nI was able to discern that everyone on the show is somehow involved in a love triangle. The big one is between the family's patriarch Richard Williams (Perry King), his trophy wife Heather (Yasmine Bleeth) and his son Chandler (Casper Van Dien), a corporate exec and a Navy pilot.\nI think Chandler actually got his stepmom pregnant, making him the biggest motherf**ker since Oedipus.\nIt is fitting that Casper Van Dien is part of the ensemble, because like his movie "Starship Troopers," there is something inherently fascist about "Titans." The characters are monstrously two-dimensional; instead of depth, they conform with the fascist aesthetic of the Nazi superman that smacks of Leni Riefenstahl. \nWhile I can't "defend" this claim with specific "evidence," I have a theory: Everyone I don't like is a Nazi. And since my opinion is synonymous with the truth, "Titans" is practically a love letter to Hitler, like the "Springtime For Hitler" sequence from Mel Brooks' "The Producers."\nAs I watched "Titans," I realized that in order to write for a soap opera, you have to think like someone with Tourette's syndrome, because the dialogue on "Titans" is just not allowed to be subtle. The characters habitually verbalize exposition. This is an actual line from the show:\nSamantha (to Chandler): "Remember our first kiss...not a day goes by when I don't remember that kiss."\nSince I have a tendency to yell out what I'm thinking, especially when I'm driving, they should let me write for this show. Of course, since I always say the exact worst things at the most inopportune time, my dialogue would sound a little different:\nSamantha (to Chandler): "Remember the first time we made love? I was so disappointed! At first, I thought you had a second belly button. And then you couldn't maintain an erection! Not a day goes by when I don't remember how it was as purple and shriveled as an eggplant. HA HA!"\nYes, I know I'll be eternally damned for writing that joke, but to paraphrase Lisa Simpson, I no longer fear Hell, for I have seen "Titans"