A different kind of platform

The presidential election isn't far away. I know it might be a little late for this, but I'm announcing my candidacy today. I'm dissatisfied with the current choices.\nIf we elect George W. on a Tuesday, we'll have Canadian rule by Thursday. I'm not even really sure if George W. is an actual person. I think Castro gave Dan Quayle a facelift, put him in a pair of cowboy boots and unleashed him on the United States as a cruel joke. \nAnd it's not that I really dislike Al Gore. It's just that I think he's missing something, like elbow and knee joints.\nI'm still trying to figure out how we got stuck with these two guys. I was rooting for Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., but apparently only a handful of people get to decide who runs for president. \nYou know what the sad thing is? I don't think the candidates know how they got here, either. George W.'s daddy got him into Yale. He's not aware of anything; somebody's running his campaign, but he doesn't know who. He's not even smart enough to know that whispering on a microphone defeats the purpose of whispering. He didn't have any idea there were subliminal messages in his attack ads on Gore. \nHe can't even pronounce the word "subliminal." \nAnd how did we get Al Gore? Was he standing by the yellow brick road until somebody poured some oil on him? Apparently, he thinks he invented the Internet somehow. Do we want a guy this delusional to have his hand on the button? Is he going to wake up someday and "invent" a nuclear disaster? \nI don't really want to be president, but somebody must stop these two.\nWhat kind of a president would I be? Let me put it this way. If I'm guilty of a little misconduct in the Oval Office, I promise not to lie about it. In fact, I'll put the whole thing on pay-per-view.\nI should start with some campaign promises and some sort of platform, so here it is.\nI will legalize marijuana, but only if a representative from this movement can get through a three-hour question-and-answer session in the Senate without referring to anyone as "dude."\nIf elected, I promise to make Britney Spears my ambassador to the Mideast. I figure nobody will fight over some holy dirt if they can watch an encore of her Video Music Awards performance. I've already got a space cleared on my television set for the Nobel Prize.\nI promise to immediately execute anyone found quoting that damn Robert Frost poem about the "road less traveled." And it will be mandatory that the executioner give a smarmy smile and say, "Two roads diverged in a woods and you took the one that led to the gas chamber." \nI also promise to execute grouchy opinion columnists who keep writing long after their schtick has stopped working and they revert to doing jokes about Britney Spears and the Middle East.\nInstead of giving a boring inaugural speech, I'll just kick Jim Carrey's ass.\nI will disband MENSA and replace it with a NASCAR fan club.\nI will make it mandatory that this joke -- Q. "How many sorority girls does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. Five, one to screw in the light bulb and four to make the T-shirts," -- be told at least once a day on every college campus across the country. \nI'm going to pardon the cigarette companies. Nobody crams a cigarette in your mouth. Anybody who is persuaded to smoke by a cartoon camel is bound to wander out into traffic long before lung cancer can get them. \nIf elected, I promise to have every member of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals tied to a chair and slapped in the face with a steak until they admit they're really just bitter because they missed the 1960s.\nIf anybody named Elian wanders into the country, he will be shot back to his native country out of a cannon.\nWell, there's my platform. I hope I get elected. That would look great on my resume.