Will vote for money

Americans have many proud traditions, such as scratching your crotch and knocking back a few cold ones while watching a Sunday football game.\nBut two of the proudest American traditions are democracy and capitalism.\nIf you think about it, the development should have been inevitable. But people only put the two together recently.\n A Maryland voter recently tried to hawk his vote on eBay, and a doctoral student created a Web site, www.voteauction.com, that allows you to sell your vote online.\nBoth were cynical critiques of the system. Both ran afoul of the law. The Maryland man was almost thrown into prison, and eBay had to withdraw his offer. The doctoral student ended up taking his site down by court order. \nThe news has disturbed some. After all, the franchise to vote is one of the most sacred liberties we have.\nThat's precisely why one should be able to get some cold, hard cash from it.\nVoters today are about as disillusioned as senior citizens invariably become after receiving mail from Ed McMahon. And rightly so, some would say.\nJust look at the choice of presidential candidates that American people have this year. Vice President Al Gore acts as though he were assembled in a factory somewhere. Texas Gov. George W. Bush seems unable to decide whether to campaign like Ronald Reagan or Bill Clinton, coming off like a snake oil salesman in the process.\nGore has written that the internal combustion engine ought to be abolished. And after having listened to his convention speech, I would say the man has a tin ear. But, honestly, I wouldn't want to offend the mass-processed can community.\nMore people have been executed in Texas under Bush than by some Third World dictators. And he is probably the first presidential candidate to run solely on a platform of no sex with chubby interns. Sure, he dresses it up by saying he'll restore honor and dignity to the White House. But he might as well say, "I solemnly swear to the American people that there will be no kinky action going on in my administration."\nAnd both parties have essentially fielded aristocrats. Gore sat on President Nixon's lap before the wee lad even went through puberty. And Bush got into Yale in spite of being a drunken wastrel.\nHarry Truman grew up on the family farm and sold men's clothes before he got into politics. One guesses those days are long gone, as quaint as Windows 98 and videocassettes.\nBush and Gore are about as inspiring as waking up with a blistering hangover to find that your nose is bloodied and a tooth is loose. So-called "raging moderates," they don't really have any convictions, other than the latest public opinion poll.\nGore wants you to believe he'll fight for working families. Of course, he's been a Washington bureaucrat his entire life. To be fair, I suppose he might have grounds for empathy with blue-collar folks. Taking poll numbers into account, he'll have to work like hell to win this election.\nBush tells us he's a reformer ' a reformer with a purpose, no less, though I have yet to hear him explain what exactly that mysterious purpose is. He's an embodiment of the WASP establishment if ever there was one. And his advisers ' holdovers from daddy's administration ' look like a White House in exile.\nWith such slim pickings, selling your vote looks very promising, very promising indeed.\nHey, it's a little extra beer money.\nEditor's Note: The opinions expressed in this column are not necessarily those of its author.