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COLUMN: Let’s recap three weeks of ABC’s ‘The Bachelor’

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Whether you are here for the drama, are a Bachelor stan or just love reality tv, season 27 of “The Bachelor” — I can guarantee — will be the most dramatic season in “Bachelor” history.  

26-year-old Zach Shallcross stars as the bachelor. Shallcross was previously a contestant on Gabby Windey and Rachel Recchia's dual “Bachelorette” season earlier this year. He ultimately chose to self-eliminate himself from the series. 

Let's get into a dramatic recap of three weeks of love, tears and nicknames.  

Week one 

On Jan. 23, what do we hear? Screams of high-pitched “joy” coming from the limo as it pulls up to the mansion, which, by the way — how does no one slip on that driveway?  

Some stand-out entrances include Gabi Elnicki having Zach take a shot of maple syrup — which he clearly hates — and was very hard to watch. Christina Mandrell, who yes, is related to Barbara Mandrell — and yes, you have also seen her on TikTok — rolls up in a party bus. The above all stand-out moment, though, was Zach kissing Bailey Brown within about 20 seconds of meeting her. But don’t worry — Zach lets you know he thinks “they’re all so pretty” — which he says about 100 times.  

After meeting all the women, Zach gives a toast and proceeds to kiss everyone, except Madison. Madison, whose lovely way of stealing his heart was too griddy for him, took the bold step of talking to him twice in the night because he didn’t kiss her. After practically giving him no other option, Madison and Zach do a quick peck in which you can literally feel the awkwardness through the TV — causing Madison to go in a spiral about how he doesn’t love her.  

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When host Jesse Palmer comes out oh-so-casually with the first impression rose, Zach chooses to give it to Greer — causing Madison to once again go in a spiral. Madison pulls Zach outside to talk to him for a third time, basically asking if he will keep her. He won’t. She leaves. She cries. Now for the rose ceremony!  

Brianna and Greer are in the clear, leaving Zach to hand out 18 roses — and swiftly bringing us into week two.  

Week two 

It’s week two, rose lovers! The first group date is at some sort of soundstage where Grammy nominee Latto is waiting, and all these women seem to somehow know who Latto is…? 

Bachelor Nation alumni Tahzjuan, Victoria Fuller and Courtney Robertson all walk out to assist on the date. As each woman struts the runway, you can hear Tahzjuan say, “They need to try harder.” Thank you for that, Tahzjuan.  

Back at the afterparty, Tahzjuan shows up. Are we surprised? No. Tahzjuan confesses her “interest” — aka the producers want drama — in Zach to which he claims he “Needs time to think.” We all know she is leaving; just tell her. After a dramatic commercial break — surprise — Zach sends Tahzjuan home.  

The next day, Christina Mandrell is prepping for her one-on-one date, where she is nervous to give Zach the news that she is a mom. After flying on a helicopter, Zach takes Christina to his childhood home to meet all his family and friends…like, what? Moving past the awkwardness of talking about Zach’s rashes, Christina and Zach go to dinner and Christina tells him how she is a mom. Zach expresses how he is nervous but wants to learn more about her and her daughter.  

Group date number two is just a glorified cocktail party. All the girls are sharing too many details with the other women about their experience with Zach. After lots of kissing and nicknames, it’s finally over, because honestly? I didn’t even know any of their names.  

At the cocktail party, Brianna is upset because she thinks it would’ve been better if she didn’t get America’s Rose. She’s also upset because Christina said night one, “I hate you — just kidding.” Or is she just upset that Christina got the rose? After Brianna and Christina talked things out, it seems to have resolved — maybe? Zach ends up giving the rose to 17 people — yes, we only got rid of one person. Now, take a deep breath for week three.  

Week three 

Let’s cut right to the chase. Katie had the first one-on-one date this week and it was a genuine, heartfelt conversation.  I thought I flipped the channel to “Night at the Museum” but realized it was somehow an overnight date in a museum — leading to one of the most awkward walks of shame I had ever witnessed.   

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It wouldn’t be a “Bachelor” season without a football date, dramatic ambulance close-ups and one team walking out sad. The first group date was boring up until Charity got the group date rose and Christina blurted out “I’m confused why he didn’t give it to me.” I grabbed my popcorn. In case you didn’t know, Christina got a one-on-one date, and she proceeds to talk about that in every sentence.  

It also wouldn’t be a “Bachelor” season without a wedding date and a fake “I do.” But I can’t deny Aly’s date was sweet with — honestly — some of the best conversation I've seen all season. But the show can’t end without an awkward private concert with a random “famous” singer.  

At the end of the episode a cocktail pool party that starts with one girl rubbing sunscreen on Zach in front of everyone; you know it won’t end well. It went downhill quickly. Brianna decides to leave, but not without telling Zach how Christina was making everyone uncomfortable, so Zach decides to talk to Christina. Cue the tears. And more tears. And more tears while lying on the steps.  

Then, obviously, Jesse walks in to say it’s time for the rose ceremony, because Zach is just so distraught that he can’t continue. Distraught from what? Anyway, I'm not going to lie. I skipped right through the rose ceremony up until the last rose was left, because — obviously — Christina is going to be one of the last two. I literally gasped out loud when he called Mercedes’ name, to give her the rose, and not Christina’s. Clearly, Zach isn’t here to put up with any drama, so let's see what next week in the Bahamas brings. I can imagine tears.  

See you next week! 

 

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