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COLUMN: Who has a best friend named Tails? Lil Yachty, apparently


"Sonic: the Hedgehog" will be released in theaters Feb. 14. Courtesy Photo

The first “Sonic: The Hedgehog” movie trailer sped onto the internetin April of 2019, eviscerating childhoods and damning humanity to visions of haunting, computer-generated brutality. 

Now, Sonic has returned with a visual boost, but he’s still emotionally terrorizing me. 

Speed Me Up” a joint effort for the “Sonic: The Hedgehog” soundtrack from Wiz Khalifa, Lil Yachty, Ty Dolla $ign and Sueco the Child has poisoned my brain. 

This song is the most complex piece of content I’ve ever consumed. Its synthwave beat and catchy hooks have infiltrated my mind, seeped into my bloodstream and rid me of my inhibitions. The lyrics and concept are truly so bonkers it makes me feel disoriented, like I just got 47 concussions. 

The song is insane. Are the lyrics from Sonic’s point of view? Some of them seem to be. Wiz opens the song by singing: “Left my heart and my soul, you see that I ran. Rings of gold and awards sit on my nightstand.”

Who has rings of gold on his nightstand? Sonic. Sonic does.

Ty Dolla $ign’s verse makes my Sonic theory a little unbelievable. "Tell lil’ baby I might hit her up, cause she bad," he said in his verse. “Spin and dash to the safe, do the dash like Tay-K.”

Why is he name dropping Tay-K, a convicted murderer, in a song for children? Does Sonic know Tay-K? Was he part of the robbery crew? 

The mentioning of Tay-K isn’t even the weirdest part of this song. Lil Yachty’s verse is. 

The beginning of Yachty’s verse is set to hyperspeed. It sounds like he walked into the booth after taking three Adderall. He doesn’t enunciate any of his words either. It’s just a wall of garbled vowels smacking you in the face. 

The strangest part of the song is Lil Yachty rapping, “Stayin' in my lane, best friend named Tails.”

Every hour on the hour, “best friend named Tails” rises from the depths of hell, grabs me by the throat and slams my face into the pavement. The world has not made sense since Lil Yachty uttered this accursed phrase.

If you say “best friend named Tails”  three times in the mirror, I bet the little, orange fool appears and says “I’m Tails!” and then flies around and knocks all your stuff over or something.

This song is auditory violence. Its lyrics are an assault on the ears. Not even feature god Ty Dolla $ign can save it from veering into the waters of sheer lunacy. 

Honestly, though, the song kind of bangs. It’s the dumbest song I have ever heard in my life, but it’s so stupid that it transcends all actual, measured criticisms.

As Sonic once said, "Aw, yeah! This is happenin'!"

Yes, Sonic. It is.

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