Disclaimer: the following is satire.
Early this morning, the United States decided it would make marijuana legal across the country for 24 full hours.
That’s right, a whole day.
This decision was inspired by a mishap in Ireland two weeks ago, when an accidental loophole in drug laws allowed for a 24-hour time frame when several Class A drugs were ?temporarily legalized.
The move comes as part of an effort to reduce the use of illegal drug use by providing a small window in which people are able to legally ?partake in such sin.
The government believes if all the crazy hippies and deviants are allowed 24 hours to get it out of their system, it will hold them off for the rest of the year.
However, the marijuana purge presents a serious danger to the innocent law-abiding American family, so in order to prepare you all for the upcoming event, the Editorial Board has graciously prepared a little something to inform you all of the dangers ?of reefer and how you can protect your ?innocence.
There is no need to thank us; we are simply doing our civic duty.
First of all, just because it will be legal does not make it safe.
It is much safer to stick to binge drinking alcoholic beverages or chain smoking cigarettes.
While those who use the marijuana do claim to experience a “high,” the danger is in the side effects which can include the following: laughing at things that aren’t really funny, overuse of the word “man,” extreme hunger, and of course, burning in Hell for all of eternity.
It is for these reasons those of us on the Editorial Board strongly encourage you to resist all temptations regarding the legality of marijuana.
If at all possible, you and your good Christian family stay indoors, watch reruns of “Leave it to Beaver” for the entirety of the 24-hour purge and under no circumstances should you engage with the creepy hippie in dreadlocks and a poncho sitting on your front lawn staring intently at an acorn.
If you follow these guidelines, the Editorial Board is confident you and your family will make it through the purge safe and sound without ?incident.
For those of you worried about the long-term consequences of the purge, there is no need for concern.
Police departments across the country will be standing ready at the end of the 24-hour period to once again strictly enforce our nation’s drug laws if any sinners attempt to ?extend their marijuana binge.
Police officials assure us that once the purge is over, they will be well-prepared to return to unfairly targeting poor people across the country, putting the rich people’s minds at ease everywhere.
While such a program is not ideal, it is time our country realized the War on Drugs simply isn’t working.
So, just like the War on Terror, we need to find new and creative ways to continue that fight without actually addressing any of the causes.
The marijuana purge is just the kind of solution we need, just make sure you all stay safe out there, you hooligans.
