9 reasons why Thanksgiving is the greatest holiday

There’s no holiday better than Thanksgiving.

It’s more romantic than Valentine’s Day, more joyous than Christmas and more patriotic than Independence Day. That’s right — not even the Fourth of July can compete with the best 24 hours in November.  

IU clearly recognizes this, as students and staff will enjoy a nine-day break this year. No one is asking if nine days is too long because of course it isn’t.

But just in case anybody is harboring dissenting thoughts against the glory of Thanksgiving, here are some counter-arguments. Nine facts — one for each day of the break.  

On the first day of Thanksgiving, my true love gave to me ...

Food

Lots of food. The core of Thanksgiving is the Viking-level feasting, and why shouldn’t it be? The only thing more American than devouring enough bread, vegetables, fruits and dead animals to feed a third-world country for a year is doing it with the whole family.

Football

Football is the most American sport there is. What’s that? Baseball, you say? Thanks for the laugh. Now put on your sweater and let’s go toss the ol’ pigskin around.

The Parade

I can’t be the only one whose Thanksgiving experience requires a parade playing on television as people mill about and cook things. And not just any parade — there’s one king in town, and his name is Macy’s. Marching bands, Santa Claus and Super Grover. If life can get better, I’d like photographic evidence.

History

Revisionist history, that is. That’s right, your second grade play lied to you.

No Set Date

Does it make sense to have Thanksgiving on the fourth Thursday in November? No, but what are we, Germany? Making sense is for the weak.

Not Overly Religious

Thank God. Now people have to fight about something else during a holiday for once.

Horror Movies

Thanksgiving has the best horror movies of any holiday, hands down. Halloween, you say? Someone has obviously never seen a little flick called Thankskilling.

Music

Thanksgiving music is almost nonexistent, making it about 10,000 times less annoying than Christmas.

Black Friday

Thanksgiving isn’t overly commercialized, because mindless consumerism has its own holiday one day later. And it is awesome. If getting trampled to death at 4:30 a.m. in a Walmart isn’t the American dream, I might as well move to Russia.

­— kkusisto@indiana.edu