A plea for destruction

Inspired by Vladmir Putin’s OpEd in the New York Times, the following is an imagined letter to the IDS from North Korean leader, Kim Jong Un.

***
MESSAGE FROM: KIM JONG UN

SENT TO: IDS

Honorable propaganda distributor:

Seeing as the corrupt American news machine is finally willing to publish authoritarian perspectives, I humbly request my comments on the Syrian crisis be considered.
Thank you very much for opening your poisoned American minds to my glorious truth,
Kim Jong-Un, Supreme Leader

ATTACHMENT

I categorically disagree with what the Noble Vladmir Putin urged in his Op-Ed published in the New York Times.

America must not engage in diplomacy with the Syrian government.

Diplomacy is an opportunity only for trickery and lies — unless there is an honorable sports star that can be dealt with directly.

Dennis Rodman and I have developed a very close friendship since his first trip to my great country. This is a most promising example from which America can learn.

If talks with Syrian sports stars are not fruitful, the American government must threaten to use nuclear intercontinental missiles.  

Sir President Obama and Mr. Honorable Secretary of State John Kerry were following the noble and truthful path in their desire to bomb first and talk later.

Though this tactic proved unpopular with the American people, your country can easily silence dissenters with hard labor or capital punishment.

Stupid American people, refusing to thrust the full force of your might against the Syrian threat to American legitimacy.

Even if your puny American missiles do not successfully launch, even if they cannot reach even the outermost Syrian border, the threat alone is sufficient.

Wild threats will show your strength and resolve in the international community and stave off any attempts at face-to-face negotiation.

Face-to-face negotiation must be avoided at all costs, as it is an opportunity for foreign ideas to poison the purity of your nation.

Belief in exceptionalism is not dangerous. To the contrary, it is vital.

Following the Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea’s much-revered and successful juche ideology, America must strive to be self-reliant and independent.

This means eradicating any foreign influences, ignoring foreign concerns and shunning international organizations like the United Nation.  

Any country that threatens the survival of your state must be destroyed.

Take the advice of a noble leader like me. Isolate yourselves from the international community.

And Sir President Obama — I greatly admire your thirst for bloodshed. Dennis has been helping me with my “jump shot.” I understand you, too, have a deep enjoyment of the basketball.

Let us have a “pick-up” game. Or else.

­— opinion@indiana.edu
Follow the IDS Editorial Board on Twitter @ids_opinion.