Getting to happy

‘Optimistic’ has never been a vocabulary word someone would use to describe me.
 
Looking on the bright side or seeking a silver lining isn’t a mindset I feel comfortable exploring. This is something I’ve always known about myself, but I’ve never felt at such a crossroads about what some would call my ‘negative’ nature.

I, of course, prefer to think of myself as realistic, rational, pragmatic or any number of other words pessimists use to justify negativity.

But, sure, let’s just call me negative for the sake of argument.

I was recently driving in the car with my mom and, in our typical fashion, we engaged in an extended discussion about some of our favorite subjects: family drama, recent events, our general interests and the like. But the conversation came to a head when I decided to ask her what aspects of my personality and demeanor trouble her.

My mom has never in her life purposefully insulted or harmed me. So I could see she wanted to choose her words carefully.

As nicely as possible, she pointed out aspects of my character that I’ve always known about but never addressed: my commonly apathetic outlook on life, my inability to trust people and my agitation and inflexibility when things deviate from my general plan.

These things, she fears, will prevent me from experiencing happiness in my life.

From how I see things, I am a culmination of my life events.

Sure, you can point to my parents’ divorce, my upbringing in a single-parent household or the sudden need to become more mature and independent at a young age. These things have definitely affected my ability to put faith in others and find true happiness. These are also things that have happened to me as I grew into the person I am.

I don’t mean to make excuses, but that’s just the hand I was dealt. I’m not complaining — I’ve had plenty of time to do that.

At this point, I ask people to see my negativity as the strongest defense I carry. I’m not going out of my way to bring you down. I’m simply doing what I have to do to keep myself from bursting at the seams.

That being said, I am constantly exploring ways in which I can eventually get to happy. I spend far too much money going to movies. I’m in a committed relationship with my television. I actually read books for fun. I’ve recently found I truly enjoy exercise. It’s always touch and go, but I do try and look for those things that are going to put a smile on my face, for however fleeting a moment. I cultivate relationships, both old and new, with people I trust, at least as much as I probably can.

I’m not entirely sure this column is anything but a written therapy session I’ve used because I couldn’t possibly afford a real therapist, which I may desperately need. But that’s just another link in my story.

And maybe, negativity in check, one of these links will eventually get me to happy.

­— wdmcdona@indiana.edu