Safety, for her

Walking home past nightfall, my pace quickens. My fingers curl into fists. I grab my keys in case I have to use them as brass knuckles or a makeshift mace.  

Even if I’m driving, I always check the back of my car for knife-wielding killers before I get in.

Some women might congratulate me on such cautiousness. Some women have.  

I really wish they wouldn’t.  

I’m tired of nervous over-the-shoulder glances.

These behaviors show I have been trained to believe this society is mine — if given the chance, it would gladly snuff me out.

I’ve been told that someone needs to know where I am at all times. I need to travel in a group or use the buddy system, especially at night. I should probably carry mace or a gun.

I am told all of this as though failure to comply makes it OK for attackers to descend.

Warnings like these are well-meaning, but they contribute to the problem they are trying to combat.

Discouraging women from being alone in everyday situations perpetuates the idea that we’re helpless. We’re like toddlers, in constant need of adult supervision.

We have been infantilized, our ability to act as agents compromised. All women are just waiting to play damsel in distress, right?

It is an idea that fails to align with reality.

Besides the fact that you are more likely to be attacked by someone you know than someone you don’t, the Bureau of Justice Statistics has found that men are actually more likely than women to be victims of violent crime.  

That truth is not reflected in the dialogue we have created around victimization.

John doesn’t need an escort home. He’s not expected to carry mace around. John is a man. He needs to learn self-reliance. He needs to be strong.

Is it so bad that I want to be held to the same standard as John?

I want to feel competent. I want to take care of myself. I want to walk home by myself past 9 p.m. without getting a lecture.

Instead of telling women how vulnerable they are, instead of detracting from women’s sense of independence, instead of telling victims how they should be victims, we should try to reduce instances of victimization.

Let’s fix the systemic problems that cause people to break the law.  

Let’s reduce instances of homelessness and poverty. Let’s improve access to education and health care, particularly mental health services. Let’s remove the stigma from mental illness.  

Let’s reform our prisons from punishment to rehabilitation centers. Let’s create ways to facilitate reporting of violent crime.  

Weakening gendered stereotypes is part of this process. Sensitivity should be nurtured in men. Agency should be stimulated in women.

Friendships between men and women should be encouraged, as they can help reduce barriers to understanding that result in mistrust and violence.

Let’s stop pretending the buddy system will solve all of our problems. Locking women in the highest room of the tallest tower is not the answer.

­— casefarr@indiana.edu