Why you and I suck at gay 'dating'

The gay dating front is weird, and I am so, so single.

I cannot fairly speak for every LGBTQ dating experiences, nor do I consider myself an authority in the matter, but there are some patterns and protocols that permeate gay male etiquette that need acknowledgment and should be called into question. In the light of Valentine’s Day, I want to shed light on some of these anomalies in hopes of improving them.

First up: Grindr. If you don’t know, Grindr is a smartphone app that facilitates semi-anonymous hook-ups for available men who have sex with men (MSM). As far as stigmas go, Grindr does a whole lot to enforce stereotypes about MSM and our reliance on hook-up culture.

These stereotypes are true. But they should not be written off or considered tasteless.

Finding love, if just for the night, can be a positive reinforcement of anyone’s confidence level. It rounds out the advance of your sexual experience and exposure, your dos and your don’ts and, in retrospect, is just good practice.

It will, though, keep you single.

Whether you’re on the app to date or just for sex, the impermanency is undeniable. Studies show that intercourse early on in the relationship shortens the length of the commitment.

I’m not one for abstinence, but postponing sex one or two months increases future stability by 22 percent. If you’re meeting up with someone primarily in the interest of sex, you are statistically inclined to not see that person as a part of your romantic future.

What’s truly problematic, though, is that 46.4 percent of MSM using hookup apps like Grindr, such as Growlr, Manhunt, Scruff, are having regular, unprotected sex.

I shouldn’t even have to say that MSM have responsibilities and biological risk to own up to. Since we did not experience adulthood during the ’90s, the liberation of our generation has made us ignorant.

The Internet has weakened our capability to come to terms with reality and with the real consequences of human relationships. Ask any gay man, and chances are likely they’ve probably had a sexual or romantic encounter with a man that was initiated or developed on the Internet.

Our reliance on Facebook flirting can be cowardly and desperate. If you don’t know, gay men frequently friend other gay men in their area or mutual friend groups on Facebook for that reason and possibly the chance of hooking up. I never accept that request, sorry.

This kind of social networking softens our standards for advances and romantic gestures. It makes vague our ability to accurately assess a personality behind a profile.

And it’s weird. Just talk to him.

We are, in our nature, inherently shy towards one another. But if you are a gay man, you will not walk up to another gay man on the street and ask to be their friend.

You can, at the very least, develop a pick-up line. Toughen up, flirt and ask for their number, or even just smile — what a ludicrous notion.

We should subscribe to the same courtesy and humanity we’d want toward ourselves.

So, no, liking someone’s profile picture at 3 a.m. does not constitute “flirting.”

Not only are we shy, but we are territorial. At this age, we are always acutely aware of other gay men within a visible radius.

This is not an exaggeration. Not only do we tend to feel threatened and compete with each other, but our acknowledgement of each other’s sexualities is often tip-toed around, tense and explosive.

We are self-destructive repositories of sexual aggression.

I can illustrate this final point with something called “the gay eye.”

This phenomenon is most often found in classrooms or professional work settings. When a gay man is introduced to someone, or in passing, recognizes a man known or believed to be gay, overt eye-contact is made.

In a moment that locks two gay men for barely a second, we communicate to each other through an instantaneous cognitive understanding.

We communicate, “I am gay, and I know that you are gay, too.”

It is eerie and inexplicable. It is neither overtly sexual, nor passive.

But our heightened awareness and connection with each other, yet failure to verbally or physically acknowledge that connection, is what puts us in this passionless rut in the first place.

You must understand, our seeming desperation is not unwarranted. Our chances are significantly lessened, as we only comprise about 3.8 percent of the U.S. population — slim pickings.

But with confidence and only that this Valentine’s Day, I have hope for the love lives of gay men everywhere to improve.

­— ftirado@indiana.edu