Walk this way

I am not a patient guy.

I’m not unreasonable, either. I’ve come to accept the aspects of daily life that are inevitably slow.

I know to clear my calendar before a trip to the BMV, because the average wait time is between seven and eight decades.

I understand that buses get behind schedule, and lines at Starbucks can be incredibly long.

Some things you just can’t speed up.

Walking on campus is not one of those things. Yet every day I see some inattentive idiot who seems incapable of walking like an adult.

So I’m devoting this week’s column to laying out a set of common-sense guidelines on pedestrian etiquette.

First: Walk on the right. This is America. Just shut up and do it.

Second: Don’t text and walk. It slows you down. It’s distracting.

If you drop and shatter your phone, I won’t feel bad for you.

If you get hit by a car, I might feel a twinge of sympathy before moving along my now-unhindered path.

Third: If you are walking in a group, it is not okay to take up the whole sidewalk. Literally everyone hates people who do this.

Many of us pass the time we spend stuck behind you imagining all the blunt objects we could pick up and chuck at you until you either a) realize you’re not the only people on the sidewalk, or b) pass out from being struck by the aforementioned blunt object.

Fourth: If someone is being a tool and trying to bike in very heavy foot traffic, just let them through.

I promise you won’t win a battle against a bike.

That being said, if they fall, it’s perfectly acceptable to point and laugh derisively.

Fifth: Don’t stand idly on a sidewalk if there are people around.

It’s not the place for a conversation if you’re holding up traffic in both directions.

Sixth: Try to be considerate toward runners. They have an equal right to the sidewalk.

They’ll try to find a way around you, but sometimes cars and other obstacles make this difficult.

So if you see a runner coming and don’t even attempt to allow them some room, as most decent humans would, no one will feel bad when he or she plows directly through you.

Finally, and most basically, stay somewhat alert.

We go to a university with a student body larger than the population of most Pacific island nations, so campus often gets crowded.

In fact, if IU students were their own country, we’d still be bigger than almost 30 other countries. How’s that for perspective?

For your own safety, it’s just smarter not to zone out on campus.

That’s it. Seven simple strategies that will all but guarantee you reach your destination quickly, without a head wound, and with the eternal gratitude of impatient guys like me.

­— sreddiga@indiana.edu