Reality TV takes a dive

Surprisingly enough, the most outrageous part of the 85th Academy Awards broadcast wasn’t Sally Field losing to Anne Hathaway or even Tony Kushner being completely snubbed.

The most horrifying piece of the whole event was a commercial for ABC’s next reality show, “Splash.”

On March 19, we can all gather round our televisions to watch C-list celebrities compete in a diving competition.

I’m not lying.

ABC’s website boasts, “Splash marks the first time 10 celebrities will train and compete in regulation platform and springboard diving at dizzying heights in front of a weekly poolside audience.

“Each week the celebrities will look fear in the face as they leap off the 10-meter high dive, pair off to complete synchronized stunts, and flip, twist and spin into the depths of the pool below.”

Even taking into account my years of consuming Kardashian culture and everything Andy Cohen ever spat out, I have never heard anything more asinine.

The show is not only dumb, but it’s offensive.

ABC’s celebrities include Kendra Wilkinson (presumably chosen because this is nip slip heaven), Louie Anderson (because fat people belly-flopping is TV gold) and Chuy Bravo (because he’s small and Latino, both good things to exploit).

The list goes on, but you’d need to do some deep Google searching to know the significance of the rest of the cast.

To go on saying it’s sad that American primetime television has come to this would be beating the already-bludgeoned remains of what was once kind of a dead horse.

We all know we suck because of the track our television tastes are on.

But a show like “Splash” is especially offensive, because there’s actually nothing redeemable about it.

At least with singing competitions, we can see everyday people from bumble-bramble America make it to the big leagues.

With cooking competitions, I get falsely convinced of my ability to prepare haute cuisine.

With “Splash,” we get nothing.

It’s not that we need to end our consumption of reality television — it’s too embedded in our culture now to rage some kind of genocide against it.

But we do need to stop taking such pleasure in exploiting people who should never be famous so we can hopefully see them in pain.

It’s the sadistic version of reality TV that we should be afraid of.

Stupidity is sad, but the people on “Jersey Shore” aren’t doing all that much harm.

However, the contestants on “Splash” will go through a lot of pain — and that’s what will make the show a success.

We still have episodes of “America’s Funniest Home Videos” because we just can’t get enough blunt objects hitting testicles.

It’s common knowledge a bowling ball hitting a groin will hurt, but they still put new shots of it on TV every week. This same mentality drives the hype and creation of “Splash.”

We can hold ourselves to some higher standards — we should be able to have entertainment without sadism.

Please, ABC, “Wipeout” was enough. Let’s keep it classy from here on out.

­— sjostrow@indiana.edu