Listen up, college: Here is my list of demands

College, take a seat. We need to have a talk.

I think it’s time we tell you what we really want from you.

Look, college, we’re paying a lot for you. Probably more than you’re worth, if we’re being completely honest.

Do you know how many students are in debt thanks to you? No? Then you better listen up.

I want a job after I graduate.

Not an internship. Not a volunteer position. I want a career.

I want a window office with a sexy British secretary, a wine and scotch bar to the left of my mahogany desk and an oil painting of Coach Crean and I chilling poolside.

We’ll be smoking stogies in that painting, but that’s neither here nor there.

I understand that I have to work my way up, but just give me the opportunity to do so.

Second, I want you to be a safe haven for me.

No, I need you to be a safe haven for me.

Again, let’s be honest. We’re all 18-22 years old. What that roughly translates to is a collection of people who are old enough to know better, but too young to really care.

So, be there to teach us lessons. That’s all I ask.

Students are completely fine with falling flat on their faces. Trust me — I’ve seen it.

In fact, that’s what life is about.

A life without making any mistakes is a mistake. 

As students, we need all types of lessons. Sure, you can teach some of those lessons in the classroom, but the most valuable lessons are taught outside the classroom, preferably late at night and before the sun rises.

So please, just do that for us. Teach us lessons, and watch us grow accordingly.

Third, give me a decent education.

This is mostly so my parents will get off my back.

But just understand that you really can make me look good in this area. So, hey, college, do your best. And I’ll, uh, show up.

Also, some free advice for any university — the better your teachers are, the better your students will do. The more inspiring your teachers are, the more inspired your students will become.

That’s just a random correlation I’ve noticed over my schooling career.

A bad or uninspiring teacher is a waste of time for the student, as well as for the teacher.

If you, as an educator, are not ready to inspire, then just stay home. 

Fourth, teach me how to deal with people.

We encounter all types of people in college and will certainly encounter them after college.

We deal with demanding teachers and unreasonable landlords. But we also deal with dumb roommates and Michigan basketball fans. College, please teach us how to cope with these people.

Also, college, it’d be nice if you could find me a mate.

Or two. Or 100. Or the “right one” if that’s a real thing. I’m sure a lot of students are pursuing their “Mrs.” degree, so, make that happen for those interested.

All in all, I really don’t think this is too much to ask for.

Oh, I almost forgot. We also want our sixth NCAA championship banner.

Please bring that.

We’ll root for you either way. But that would be the icing on the cake for a graduating class that was forced to watch Bobby Capobianco and Bawa Muniru attempt to play basketball.

­— awcohn@indiana.edu