Tales of the TSA

As a slightly brown person, I have never particularly enjoyed going through airport security.

This weekend, as I entered the security line on my way to Washington, D.C., I was desperately hoping none of the Transportation Security Administration agents on duty would decide to “randomly” select the darkish guy with the funny name for “additional screening” (also known as frisking, or blatant sexual harassment).

Fortunately, no one deemed me suspicious enough for such measures. They did make me throw away my water bottle, which made me pretty irritated. So I figured I would use this week’s column to examine the brilliant common-sense practices of the TSA.

I’ll give you a hint: There really aren’t any. But here are some examples of rules — some of which I myself have broken — the TSA enforces.

First, my aforementioned water bottle. Apparently you can’t take a container with more than 100 milliliters of liquid through airport security, but you can take plenty of smaller containers. I bet this rule only exists to force passengers to buy new drinks from the stores on the concourse, where everything is marked up 1,000 percent.

Next, we have the magic plastic bag. I understand my contact solution could be a weapon unless it’s in a quart-sized plastic bag. Then it’s cool, no worries.

Third, the controversial full-body scanners.

“We have these huge machines that identify and display every single object on your person ... but please go ahead and take off your shoes and belt, empty your pockets, remove your jacket and do anything else you can to make security a logistical nightmare that slows down the millions of people trying to travel this weekend.”

This is not a direct quote from TSA policy, but it’s probably pretty close.

I’m so glad they confiscate nail clippers and then give you a fork with dinner. Nail clippers are so much more terrifying.

Six-inch screwdriver? That can’t be dangerous. Seven inches? Must be a
terrorist.

A couple years ago my friend had a snow globe confiscated. I felt so much safer on that flight.

Many of these rules are nothing more than arbitrary.

In all seriousness, making air travel safe is not a laughing matter.

The TSA serves a very real purpose. Many of its methods, though, are just plain silly.

The parameters of their requirements appear to be arbitrary and end up costing travelers time while providing marginally more safety. I’d say it’s time for them to revisit their policies.

But that’s just one brown guy’s opinion.

­— sreddiga@indiana.edu