Presidential dream teams

I think many of us were generally disgruntled with the presidential race this year.
In one corner, we had a disappointing incumbent. In the other, we had what was possibly an android. Absent was the everyman we felt we could trust with the future of our country, telling it like it is, actually valuing our input as citizens.

Given the state of things, here are a few presidential-vice presidential teams, in case we change our minds. They may not value our opinions either, but at least almost everyone likes them.

The athletes: President Peyton, Vice President Eli Manning

Peyton, at the ripe old age of 36, barely qualifies for presidential office, but this brother-brother combo, the first of its kind, could score worldwide and be the fodder for many thousands of terrible political and sports puns. All-American men, they’re both good sports and good at sports. In the giant pissing contest that is international politics, they can throw things the farthest, and they certainly have the most testosterone, which is all that really counts. Who cares if they have any concrete skills? That’s what advisors are for!

The celebrities: President Scarlett Johansson, Vice President Ryan Gosling

Also known as the sexy party. Politicians across the world might scoff at leaders elected solely for their beauty, but the potent sexuality that comes from Johansson and Gosling as a team is irresistible. If we can get them to do all of our negotiations in person, we will never, ever lose. No woman actually dislikes Gosling, and it’s a rare man that can resist Johansson’s allure. Women and men love them, respectively, and men and women want to be them, respectively. That’s a decent formula for the leaders of the free world. They’re both technically too young to win, but give them a few years. They’ll still be hot.

The Comedians: President Colin Mochrie and Vice President Ryan Stiles from “Whose Line is it Anyway?”

Colin Mochrie may be Scottish Canadian, but he’s a damn good comedian, and from my understanding, all you really need to be a successful politician is a little charm and a few good jokes. If we’re cool with foreigners like Arnold Schwarzenegger being governor, I’m sure we’d all be willing to lift that silly presidential birth country requirement for Mochrie, because, unlke Arnold, he’s funny, and also not an ass. With Stiles’ help, they could unite the world through laughter. America could use some levity, especially in our shaky international relationships.

The animals: President Mufasa, Vice President Shadowfax

Animals are underrepresented in American politics. It’s time for them to have a voice, and we all know there’s no better one for animals everywhere than the regal and wise Mufasa. And I mean his literal voice. Its low rumbling gives us even more fuzzy hopeful feelings than President Barack Obama’s monotone shouting did in 2008. Mufasa is both beautiful and terrifying, and he knows how to move beyond partisanship and rule all breeds with honor. Shadowfax is already the lord of all horses, so you have the equine vote on lock. He can appeal to the herbivores and balance the ticket.

The politicians: President Bill Clinton (again), Vice Presidents Michelle Obama and Chris Christie

Let’s be honest. Former President Bill Clinton was the star of this election. His speeches for Obama reminded us how much we wanted him in the first place. Who cares about past impeachments? Semantics. When you see this guy speak, you want him as your president, dad, friend and maybe your lover. First lady Michelle Obama’s experience as first lady makes her more qualified than most of the men who ran in the Republican primary, and Gov. Chris Christie would be a great conservative foil for her. His recent refusal to participate in presidential politicking so he can spend time repairing his post-Sandy state shows he’s a stand-up guy.

If the next presidential election cycle is as silly as this one was, I’m behind Mufasa-Shadowfax 2016. If anything, they’re more serious than most American politicians. ­

— kelfritz@indiana.edu