How to study for finals (in the face of Armageddon)

Thanksgiving is a time to pause and reflect on the simple things in life for which you’re grateful.

These might be friends and family, the surprisingly short statute of limitations on arson or the theme music from “Hawaii Five-0,” depending on your temperament.

In addition to the aforementioned blessings, I am personally thankful for the imminent Mayan apocalypse.

Somewhere between scrambling to finish a senior thesis, applying to law schools and drinking the alcohol I claim as a business expense inherent to writing for the Indiana Daily Student, I’ve come to the conclusion that the end of the world simplifies my life dramatically.

Nevertheless, impending doom is no excuse to slack off on your schoolwork.

College is a significant investment of time and money that you shouldn’t waste.
Therefore, I have taken it upon myself to offer helpful study tips for freshmen expecting the end of days and easily suggestible upperclassmen.

Term Papers

Term papers are traditionally a way for college students to demonstrate their mastery of intricate concepts.

However, with only a few scant weeks remaining until judgment day, essay tests also represent an opportunity to publicly affirm a religion.

Whether you’ve simply lapsed in your faith or never actually had any, interlacing your papers with a few well-placed religious metaphors and the occasional declaration of belief and devotion might help spare you eternal damnation.

Those with multiple term papers might want to consider hedging their bets and devoting each paper to a different religion, just in case.

Additionally, consider printing an extra hard copy so you can present proof of your piety, should you find a divine servitor shepherding you toward a lake of fire or Drake concert.

Multiple Choice Tests

Multiple-choice tests are usually given in subjects that demand a lot of memorization.
Unfortunately, there is a good chance a large portion of your free time will be spent at end-of-the-world parties or running from shambling hordes of undead, which means it is important to study as efficiently as possible.

Nicotine is proven to increase memory and concentration, so now is as good a time as any to take up smoking, since lung cancer has an onset time significantly longer than three weeks.

If you have a lot of cramming to do, you should consider facing the end of all things looking like an extra on “Mad Men.”

Study Groups

Study groups are the least efficient means of actually preparing for tests, narrowly beating out lying on a textbook and hoping to learn via osmosis. Between the hassles of arranging them, the deadweight that will invariably show up without notes and small talk between members, study groups often generate more distractions than answers.

Take advantage of that this year and invite the person you’ve been checking out in lecture. After all, time is short, and you might get lucky.

Best of all, even if the Mayans were wrong, failing the same test is guaranteed to give you something in common to talk about later.

­— stefsoko@indiana.edu