The IU Darwin Awards

Inspired by the new Kilroy’s tattoos some on campus are sporting, the Opinion staff have compiled a list of six things at IU that mark you as unfit for survival.

Going to a frat alone

This one is for the ladies: Never go to an off-campus fraternity alone. Well, actually, never go to any frat alone. Maybe just avoid frats altogether, and you won’t have to witness various horrors the Opinion staff has seen. For example, a curtain held up with duct tape is not an appropriate solution for a missing bathroom stall door. Wearing blackface just because you’re at a costume party and wearing the jersey of a black basketball player is never acceptable, either. A free shot is a free shot unless that free shot is grape-flavored McCormick’s. And no matter how many times you request Kanye West’s “Monster” to try to start twerking, the DJ will keep ignoring you. There might be one actually good song during your two-hour visit. But by then you will have already called your roommate to come pick you up, because there is no way in hell you’re hopping in a car with six other drunk girls and a baby-faced 18-year-old pledge.

Getting lost on the bus

It’s raining, and class starts in 25 minutes. That’s plenty of time to get on the bus and ride all the way, jog to Ballantine and slide into a desk right on time. Except, lo and behold, you got on the wrong bus. The B Bus doesn’t go to Ballantine, you find out as you drive further and further away from your destination, nervously contemplating if you should pull the “next stop” rope. Instead of arriving in class with time to spare, you look like a stooge walking in 25 minutes late, drenched and ridiculed. This is only slightly better than the time you will inevitably try to take the bus to College Mall and end up somewhere on the south side of town, lost and scared and thanking God for smartphone directions and the Internet.

Being a confused freshman

This one goes out to the #college tweeters, the pack-runners, the W131-takers whose major is undecided. Freshmen, this one goes out to you. Sorry, but we cannot be friends. We would have to explain everything to you and try to keep you from hurting yourself as you act like an Amish youth on Rumspringa. If we invited you over, you would come. So would your 30 floor mates. Just talk to us next year when you are (hopefully) less terrible. Educate yourself on how to live your life without being ridiculous and kind of obnoxious. We were all there once, but we overcame it, and we have faith you can, too. And if you’re thinking, “But with my credits, I’m technically a sophomore,” you are the lowest of them all.

Trying to do all of your class reading

Success in college follows a bell curve. At one extreme are the fools who don’t do any of the readings, and at the other are those who try to do all of them. Those five chapters of pseudoscientific jargon you’re supposed to read tonight are an academic sausage — mostly filler you won’t use. The guys who wrote the textbook know this. That’s why they bolded some of the words. It’s not impossible to do all of your assigned readings, but you might founder socially, starve and go blind. Open up all your syllabi right now, turn to the “Class Goals” section and pencil in: “Manage time. Pick out important stuff. Detect BS,” lest you graduate a miserable and sleep-deprived shell of your former self.

Using sidewalks...badly

There’s an unspoken rule that sidewalks should work like roads. Stay on the right. Watch for bikes and other walkers if you’re crossing the street. Don’t walk arm in arm with three other women and block others from maintaining their fast pace. Leave space for runners, those late for tests and the occasional rogue bike. Cyclists should stay off the sidewalks unless they’re walking their bikes to a parking area. If you’re texting and talking with two of your besties and blocking the whole path while slowly moseying toward Kirkwood without a care in the world, please keep in mind that many of us have many cares as we walk on campus. The most pressing of these is not being more than 10 minutes late to lecture for the third class in a row. We know you’ve been rushed before. Don’t participate in this vicious cycle of lateness.

Getting a Kilroy’s tattoo

Just when we thought frat-tanks were the perfect way to spot morons in a crowd, Kilroy’s Bar and Grill now offers free cover for life to anyone who gets the Kilroy’s logo tattooed on their body. You might as well get the word “tool” tattooed directly next to it in Comic Sans and all caps. This is the single most idiotic thing anyone could ever do at IU. By tattooing the Roy’s logo on your body, you’re making as big a mistake as the guy who decided to impregnate Snooki. Once you’ve gone there, you can’t go back. The mark of your idiocy and college shenanigans will survive for the rest of your days as a working professional, unless you decide to splurge on laser tattoo removal.