America's Next Top Veep

According to the moving picture-box in my living room, Gov. Mitt Romney is expected to pick a veep within the next month.

I’m not entirely sure what a veep is, but it sounds important so I’ll make some passing judgments and we’ll see what happens. From what I can gather, a veep is a mixture between a Jeep Grand Cherokee and a Valentine.

They stand as a bedrock of emotion and towing capacity for the journey to the presidency.

The veepstakes, as every news channel affectionately calls it, is basically “America’s Next Top Model” but with Republican governors and congressmen from below America’s Bible belt ­— ladies, calm down. I’m glad someone else recognized this key, missing market in the 24-hour news cycle.

Some of the popular contenders are: Chris Christie, no relation to Jesus Christ; Rand Paul, a less old, more surly version of Ron Paul; Marco Rubio, a nice young man from I don’t know; and Paul Ryan, the Don Draper of fiscal conservatism — again, ladies, calm down.

Last Friday’s Conservative Political Action Committee Straw Poll put Rubio in the lead, just slightly ahead of a vial of Ronald Reagan’s blood.

Now, you might be asking the same question I am — who is Marco Rubio?

Rubio is the junior senator from Florida, and he’s the darling of the Tea Party Movement — and that’s all the dirt Wikipedia has about him. He’s only been in office for about a year and a half now, but that doesn’t stop conservatives from getting awkward boners for his sexy neck and discreet Hispanic-ness.

This is strikingly similar to the characteristics McCain used in 2008 to pick Sarah Palin as his veep. Simply replace Rubio’s thick neck with thick-rimmed glasses and his discreet Hispanic-ness with being the closest thing Republicans can get to a “woman.”

But Rubio has already publicly stated he would not accept a nomination for veep. On the other hand, Rand Paul announced it “would be an honor” to be chosen as veep — as long as his dad says it’s okay.

When reached for a comment, Ron Paul probably said something along the lines of, “Ask your mother.”

As the veepstakes moves on and we inch closer to the Republican National Convention in July, the pressure builds on Gov. Romney to pick a veep who compliments his unfortunate lack of interpersonal communication skills. That’s one reason why Chris Christie’s name keeps getting thrown around. He’s like an obese Joe Biden that doesn’t like trains, or any form of public transportation, for that matter.

At the CPAC Straw Poll, Christie showed he not only has the body image of a bulldog, but he also has teeth like one.

“I fixed your problem, you can thank me later. Have a nice day,” is what Christie said about balancing the New Jersey budget. He continued by taking a bite out of a Dave’s Big and Juicy, and the crowd went wild.

In the long run, the CPAC Straw Poll means nothing because ultimately Gov. Romney must make the decision on his own. But if he wants to corner the younger demographic, he should go for someone more centrist than Rubio or Christie. Perhaps the 2008 model of Mitt Romney or a picture of a cat wearing a necktie; either works fine for me.

­— nicjacob@indiana.edu