This is a hipster trick

We all have a little hipster in us, and I think it’s a good thing. It’s healthy. It’s natural. It’s the classic biological mandate of trying to differentiate one’s self from the rest of the herd. It’s the modern, noble struggle of youth trying to better the world they are about to inherit from their parents — and it’s just lovely.

Socially speaking, one of the best parts of the hipster movement at large is that it has so many pro-environmental sentiments. Sure, it’s the hippies who are more commonly called the original environmentalists, as they laid the basis for most of today’s environmental laws and policies. But the hipster movement has gone green in a different way by participating more in practical, sustainable, every-day activities, the crux of the most notable of which being, of course, the bicycle.

Whether it’s a fixie or a classic Schwinn, bicycle ridership by individualistic young folk seems to have skyrocketed in recent years. Communities have invested more in bike-friendly infrastructure, and society as a whole seems a little less “douchey” toward the issue of atmospheric degradation.

But here we are at the turn of the seasons, where spring’s sweet kisses fade into the long, uncomfortable family hugs of summertime, and the bike congestion has gotten out of control. Whether I’m taking my car to work or riding a bike, I can’t avoid almost being crushed by a crazy youth bicyclist at every turn. Something needs to be done. I’ve devised a clever plan.

It’s so simple. I’m pretty sure they did this in an episode of “South Park.” All we have to do is get everyone to start riding their bikes everywhere. This is the Achilles’ Heel of the hipster disposition. Once a certain level of popularity for something is achieved, those rebellious youth will deny it was ever cool.

All society has to do is reach that level of popularity with bicycling. It won’t take long. As soon as word gets around in the hipster publications like the Sunday Hipster (which true hipsters get on Saturdays) and the pamphlet Bomb and Sense (which came out way before Thomas Paine’s LAMEphlets), then they’ll all get off their bikes.

It’s a win-win. It’s finally a legitimate motivation that will get people out of their cars and onto their bikes. This will (most probably easily) save the planet and get the hipsters off the road.

As an added bonus, we’ll have kids pogo-sticking to class before the end of
the year.